Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Paddyofurniture]

I am going to send these "Laws" to my brother. I am sure he will enjoy them as much as I do.

Thanks,

Paddy

[Paddyofurniture]

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio,Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.

He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.

As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.

The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?" "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to"

A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.

The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.

Everybody standing around was laughing..

When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.

The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.

The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.

The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.

The silence was deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin 12gauge barrels.

The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;

"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but.... I've always wanted to"

There are a few lessons for all of us here:

*Don't be arrogant.
*Don't waste ammunition.
*Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.
*Always make sure you know who is in control...
*And finally, Don't screw around with old folks;
they didn't get old by being stupid....

I just love a story with a happy ending, don't you

[SOTVEN]

America's Drafting Policy should be changed
Being over 60 and in the Armed Forces – Some say these men are too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. On the contrary, they've got the whole thing ass-backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters, researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving them more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. "My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry." They are impatient and maybe letting them kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make them feel better and shut them up for awhile..

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10am. Old guys always get up early to pee, so what the hell. Besides, like it is said “ I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.”
If captured they couldn't spill the beans because they'd forget where they put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. They're used to getting screamed and yelled at and they're used to soft food. They've also developed an appreciation for guns. They've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however... men in combat have never seen a single 20-foot wall with a rope hanging over the side, nor had to do any pushups after completing basic training... Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too... I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way. Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons, who know that their best years are already behind them.
HEY!! How about recruiting Women over 50...in menopause!!! You think MEN have attitudes?? Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my God!!! If nothing else, put them on border patrol. They'll have it secured the first night!
)

[jim lee]

Jim Lee's law of projects : No project can be more than 1/2 done 'till its completed.

-jim lee

[Sal]

Sal

[T. Highway]

Telling Time
On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle.

One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference. If you're an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If you're an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If you're a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If you're a Marine Corps aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. But if you're an Army aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour!!!".

[Brigand]

This is a very old story that I learned from my Father as a boy.

One afternoon many years ago, Jose was making his way down the mountain on the little path that led to a small village called Esmara. On his way he encountered his friend Carlos. They greeted each other and walked along together in silence for a while. Carlos turned to Jose and asked if he knew Don Rodrigo. Jose replied that it was funny that Carlos should ask him that today of all days. Carlos inquired what he meant by that. Jose stopped and lay down his burden and bade Carlos to sit beside him on a flat wind worn boulder.

As you know Carlos, Jose said, every day I walk this path up the mountain to gather dry wood for the cooking fires of our village including Don Rodrigo’s fine house in the plaza. As I was nearing the village yesterday just after mid day I chanced upon Don Rodrigo astride his fine white stallion standing in the middle of the path. It appeared he had been waiting for me, for when he saw me he called out to me in an angry tone. He said to me “Jose you curr, why did I not receive enough firewood to warm my home? My guests grew chilly at the party I held last night and I was embarrassed and shamed before them.” He went on to tell me, said Jose, that it was an outrage that one of his high standing and elevated position should be treated in this manner. I tried to tell him that Every day I must go further into the mountains to gather wood and that my burro had died and I had no sons to help me but he said that was not his concern and that I must be punished for embarrassing him so. And them what happened? Asked Carlos, who by now was following the story with rapt attention. Jose continued on and said, and then he drew his fine pistol from its holster on the saddle. I feared for my life said Jose, and then Don Rodrigo sneered and ordered me to eat of the horse manure freshly deposited by his stallion. And what did you do? Cried Carlos. What could I do? He had a pistol pointed at my heart, I bent down and picked up a handful of horse manure, thought of my Maria and how she would not fare well if I was not here to provide our meager living and I ate of the horse manure. When I had finished, Jose said, Don Rodrigo said I was to take that as a lesson that a man like him should not be inconvenienced for mere peons. And then said Jose with a shy grin, just at that moment a snake went across the path and startled Don Rodrigo’s horse. It reared wildly and the Senor had a difficult time of it to hold on. In his fight to control the stallion he dropped his fine silver mounted pistol at my feet. Dios mio cried Carlos what did you do? I picked up the shiny pistol and in the fullness of time when Don Rodrigo had brought his horse under rein again, I pointed the pistol at Don Rodrigo and bade him dismount. This elicited a cry of aye yi yi from Carlos but he held his tongue for he was anxious to hear the rest of Jose’s tale. I invited Don Rodrigo to sample the horse manure of which I had recently partaken. And though he protested loudly and swore oaths at me, what could he do said Jose with a wry smile, he ate the manure.

So you see Carlos when you asked me if I knew of Don Rodrigo I had to laugh, for as you now know, I not only know Don Rodrigo, but just yesterday we had lunch together.

[Brigand]

An older gentleman toddling down the pavement in Dublin at 2:00 a.m. was stopped by a couple Policemen . "Where d'ya think you're going at this hour inquired one Policeman?" The old gent drew himself to his full height and replied in an uncommonly dignified manor"I am on my way to attend a lecture on the evils of Drinking, Gambling, Smoking and the keeping of late hours" The officer then asked "And who would be giving such a lecture at this late hour?" "That, young man replied himself, would be my wife".

[Monkey Man]

MM as a young lad went to his girlfriends house for the first time to meet the parents, unfortunately for him a Jalapeno chilli bruuito for lunch was not the best idea. Once seated at the dinner table he felt the rumblings of evil brewing below but was dead set petrified of letting on go on this delicate occasion but alas one slipped out (Frrrrtt...) and the room fell silent but the Father then told the dog to get out, MM cannot believe his luck, the dogs going to be blamed for the whole thing so he let's another one go (FRRRtttttt) and onother even more evil one that carries the stench of death itself (FRRRRTTTTTTTSSSS), the whole time the father tells the dog to get out. Feeling one last putrified rumble gurgling away he lets go (KaSplat!!!) then all of a sudden the Father yells "for chrissake dog I told you to get out get out.................. before this dirty bugger craps all over you....

MM

[Brigand]

Pretty good Tony, Annie must have a strong constitution since she married you anyway.

[Brigand]

This is another of my Fathers stories, it has always been one of my favorites.

Every year since he had been a teenager Don had taken time off for deer season. He truly enjoyed the experience of being out in the natural world absorbing the fresh air and on occasion bagging a nice buck. He usually went hunting with his lifelong pal Dave. One year Dave told him he wouldn’t be able to go, he was very sorry but his parents were ill and it didn’t seem right to leave just then.

One day Don’s wife Marie asked him when his annual hunting trip was going to be and Don told her he wasn’t sure he’d be going that year. He told her about Dave and his situation. Marie told him that she had always wanted to go along on one of these hunting trips and this would be the ideal time since Dave couldn’t be there. After some persistent and vigorous nagging Don reluctantly agreed. He just knew it would be a disaster but couldn’t make his wife understand. Dutifully Don bought his wife a set of boots and hunting togs, he got her deer tags and taught her how to safely handle a rifle and how to shoot. Marie for her part enthusiastically wore the boots to break them in and learned to place a shot very well. Her excitement mounted as the day drew nearer. Don was still a bit circumspect about the whole endeavor but carried on with the plan. He had never seen his wife so enthusiastic about taking part in one of his activities before. On the day, they packed and drove up to the cabin that Don and Dave had used many times before. It wasn’t fancy but it was solid and weather-tight. Don set up a couple Army cots for their bedrolls and checked the flue in the old stone fireplace to make sure it was open. He started a fire and set to work making coffee. Meanwhile Marie did her best to displace some of the dust and grime in the cabin and put fresh paper in the outhouse.
The next morning they hiked together to the blind in the meadow where Don thought Marie would have the best luck. There was a salt lick nearby and the deer often visited by way of the cow path. After getting Marie situated in the blind Don realized he had left the cabin without the shells for his own rifle. He told Marie to sit tight and that he would be back in just a few minutes. Don retrieved his ammo and started back down the trail, about halfway there he heard a shot and he started to run. He had not had the chance to talk to Marie about picking out a likely target and other details. He feared that she had shot a doe and wondered what the fine would be. After a few more minutes he could hear Marie screaming at the top of her voice “That’s my deer! You get away from it!” This can’t be good thought Don as he raced down the trail. When Don came around the blind he saw his wife point her rifle menacingly at a man in a cowboy hat. She continued to screech about “Her deer” as Don approached he heard the dejected rancher say “Okay lady, It’s your deer. Just let me get my saddle off it!”.

[m-37Bruce]

Bob, You have the gift!

[Brigand]

Thanks Bruce, My Dad could tell great stories. All I'm trying to do is get them committed to some sort of documentation.
He had a substantial repertoire. We shared a penchant for puns which I enjoy using to embarrass my grand kids.

[Monkey Man]

Got Chili??
Brings a tear to the eyes

MM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3N1if99Wea4

[Carter]

Sam Elliot's take on slow response! (Borrowed from G503)

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.