Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Brigand]

Our friend Seamus was to meet his brother in law Eamon at the “Breadstone Pub” in Dublin. As was his custom when going to a new pub he was a wee bit early and Eamon was not in evidence outside the pub, and so Seamus decides to go in and have a pint while he waited.
As he tried to enter, a large and imposing Nun barred his way. “Surely a fine gentleman as yourself is not entering this den of iniquity? Certainly you’re not going to waste your hard earned doss on demon alchohol? Why don’t you go home and provide for your wife and children?”
“Now Sister, How can you condemn alchohol out of hand, Surely didn’t the Good Lord himself turn water to wine?” asked Seamus. “Surely a wee bit now and then can do no harm” he added.
“Well said the Nun, I suppose I have been a bit rash, perhaps I should try a bit, only to be fair mind you”. “
Since I can’t enter this establishment myself, perhaps you’ll be kind enough to bring me out some Gin. And to disguise its purpose could you have them put it in a cup?”
In a flash Seamus was standing before the Barman ordering a large Gin, “would you be so kind as to put it in a cup he asked”
“Bloody hell shouted the Barman, Is that bleedin’ Nun out there again?!!”

[Monkey Man]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.
He'd toss them in the air, then catch them in his mouth.

In the middle of catching one, his wife asked a question, and as he
turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but only succeeded in pushing it in
deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they
became worried and decided to go to hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with
her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said
he could get the peanut out.

The young man told the father to sit down, then shoved two fingers up
the father's nose and told him to blowhard. When the father blew, the
peanut flew out. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The
young man insisted that it was nothing and the daughter brought the
young man out to the kitchen for something to eat.

Once he was gone the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so
wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he
grows older?"

The father replied "From the smell of his fingers, ... our son in-law!"


MM

[m-37Bruce]

That was hilarious MM. can I quote?

[Monkey Man]

I have no claim to the joke Bruce as I borrowed it from elsewhere

MM

It's the summer of 1967 and M-37Bruce goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue.
Bruce is a pretty hip guy with '64 Ford Mustang and a duck-tail hairdo.
When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's mother answers and invites him in. "Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat and we will have a chat?" she says.
That's cool thinks Bruce.
Peggy Sue's mother asks Bruce what they're planning to do.
Bruce replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive in movie.
Peggy Sue's mother responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bruce and he says "Wha...aaat?"
"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's mother, "We know Peggy Sue really likes to screw; why, she'd screw all night if we let her!"
Bruce's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has devised the plans for the evening.
A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her pleated skirt with her Beatle boots, and announces that she's ready to go.
Almost breathless with anticipation, Bruce escorts his date out the front door while Mom is saying, "Have a good Evening kids," with a small wink for Bruce.
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her mother: "Dammit, Mom! The Twist! The Twist! It's called The Twist!"

[T. Highway]

That's a good one MM.

Bert

[Carter]

[Brigand]

Outstanding, I'll send that one to the Mrs.

[Monkey Man]

Peggy sue might have been a popular girl after that.....

MM

A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the engine of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage: " Hey Doc, you want to take a look at this?" The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked : "So, Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out,
repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I'm done, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year (a pretty small salary) while you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing pretty much the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic ... ''Try doing it with the engine running.”

[m-37Bruce]

I really Luv to Twist!

[w30bob]

You guys are all dating yourself with that "twist" joke.

Love the cardiologist joke.......but I've got a motorcycle mechanic friend who won't find it too funny.

later,
bob

[Monkey Man]

Bruce, I suspect we all like a good "twist" now and then

Not Dated Bob, just getting into a good vintage LOL

MM

Carter got tired of not being able to attend Military Vehicle events due to his work schedule, so he quit his job and became a pharmacist. Being his own boss, he could now set his own hours and he made sure to book the biggest MV convention weekend off. He then began the search for an assistant and as luck would have it Stacy had just returned from a stint on the south coast of Spain and was looking for gainful employment. Satisfied with Stacy's qualifications and general manner Carter hired her and everyone was happy.
On Monday morning, Carter walked into the pharmacy, and saw Bob leaning heavily against the dispensing counter, eyes bugged out, taking careful little breaths and looking very distressed and uncomfortable. Quite concerned, Carter asked Stacy, "what's wrong with Bob?".
Stacy replied, "Oh, Bob came in looking for a good cough elixir as he was desperate to stop coughing and unfortunately we were all out, so I gave him a bottle of laxative instead."
"WHAT??!!" exclaimed Carter, "You can't substitute a blasted laxative for cough medicine!"
"Sure you can, and it works too" replied Stacy. "See, Just look at Bob, he's too damned scared to cough!".......

[Brigand]

My wife loved the twist joke. She said it was the best one since the Flannel with the glitter in it. To WC30 Bob I say, I like dating myself, I'm a cheap date and I can usually have my way with me. Plus there's only the one cure fo being old.

[Carter]

Sandy also loved the twist joke and I just sent her the pharmacist one, good stuff, keep them coming Tony.

[Monkey Man]

The 7 dwarfs went to the Vatican, and because they are 'THE DWARFS',
they are ushered in to see the Pope.

Dopey leads the pack. "Son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"
Dopey replies, "Excuse me, your Holiness, but are there any dwarf
nuns in Rome?"

The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment
and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.

Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them.
Dopey turns back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,
No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."

This time, all the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again,
Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare.

Dopey turns back to the Pope and says, "Mr. Pope, are there ANY
dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?" "I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."

The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,
pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting...

Dopey shagged a penguin!...Dopey shagged a penguin!"

[Carter]

The Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, " Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, " Business".
I'm going to the Annual Nympho-maniacs of America Convention in Boston ." He swallowed hard.
Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" " Lecturer," she responded.
" I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
" Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well,"she explained, " One popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. " I'm sorry," she said, " I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name..."

" Tonto," the man said, " Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."