Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Monkey Man]

One for the Canucks on here.....
The Fairy & the Immigrant Muslim

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
outside the Ottawa Immigration Offices.
"My good man," the fairy said, "I've been told to grant you three
wishes, since you've just arrived in Canada with your wife and seven
children."
The man told the fairy, "Well in Pakistan, where I come from we don't
have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe with a lot of gold in
them."

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless smile and ~~PING!!!~~ he
had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

"What else?" asked the fairy. "Two more wishes to go."
The refugee claimant now got bolder. "I need a big house with a three
car garage in Toronto with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of
my refugee relatives who still live in my country to live in when I
bring them all over here."
~~PING!!!~~ In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion
with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ,
and a sparkling in ground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews
playing their music.
"One more wish left for you," said the fairy, waving her hand.
"I want to be a Canadian with Canadian clothes instead of rags, and a
baseball cap instead of this shawl and I want to have white skin like
the Canadians."
~~PING!!!~~ The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best
for Less, a dirty Walmart t-shirt and a greasy baseball cap. He had his
bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

"What happened to my new teeth?" he wailed. "Where's my house? Where's
my Visa Gold Card?"
The fairy said with a firm yet sad tone, "Tough luck. Now that you're
Canadian, you're entitled to [ censored ] all, just like the rest of us!"

And she disappeared!

[Monkey Man]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said,
'I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.'

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called,
'Putting Your Affairs In Order .'

[Monkey Man]

why do midgets laugh while running through the yard?
The grass tickles their nuts

I am more pissed off than a dragon trying to blow out candles.

Accidentally pooped my pants in the elevator.
I'm taking this shit to a whole new level.

Life without women would be a pain in the ass, literally.

You know you're ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.

If a quiz is quizzical, then what does that make a test?

I'm the kind of guy who stops the microwave at 1 second just to feel like a bomb defuser.

Never give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.

Whatever you do in life, always give 100%. Unless you're donating blood...

[Monkey Man]

Dear Abby,

My husband has a long record of money problems. He runs up huge credit-card bills, and at the end of the month, if I try to pay them off, he shouts at me, saying I am stealing his money. He says pay the minimum...let our kids worry about the rest, but we can hardly keep up with the interest. Also, he has been so arrogant, and abusive toward our neighbors that most of them no longer speak to us. The few that do are an odd bunch, to whom he has been giving a lot of expensive gifts, running up our bills even more. He has also gotten religious. One week he hangs out with Catholics, the next with people who say the Pope is the Anti-Christ, and the next he's with Muslims. Finally, he's demanding that before anyone can be in the same room with him, they must sign a loyalty oath. It's just so horribly creepy! Can you help?

Signed, Lost


Dear Lost,

Suck it up, and stop whining, Michelle. You're getting to live in the White House for free, travel the world, and have others pay for everything. You can divorce the jerk anytime. The rest of us are stuck with him for 4 more years.

Abby

[Monkey Man]

Two men are waiting at the gates of heaven and strike up a conversation.

"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.

"I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful," says the first man, "how does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second man. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first man. "You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly but found her alone watching television. I ran around the house looking for her lover but could find no one. As I ran up the stairs to the attic, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man shakes his head. "That's so ironic," he says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first man.

"If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[Monkey Man]

A man walked into his crowded local bar,
waved a revolver around and yelled,
"Who in here has been screwing my wife?"
A voice from the back of the bar yelled back,
"You're gonna need more ammo!"

[Brigand]

Those are all great , You've been a busy lad.

[Monkey Man]

It was noted that I have been a little remiss of late so I thought I would try to make up for it, albeit just a little bit.....

MM

[DAP]

I am interested in selling my musical instrument called a Theremin because I haven't touched it in years. Any takers?

[DAP]

A photon checks into a fancy hotel and the bellhop asks if he has any luggage. He replies, "No I am traveling light."

[DAP]

Rene Descartes sits down in a fancy restaurant and the waiter asks him what he thinks he will like. Descartes says "I don't know." and promptly disappears (ceases to exist)..

[DAP]

There is a rumor going around that Monkey Man's mother is so "mean" she has no "standard deviation" . . . . . . . . . . . OK if you don't know math terms this one might stump you.

[DAP]

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero in a freak lab accident?… He’s 0K now.

[DAP]

Some people think there are all kinds of people in this world, generally based on nationality or temperament BUT those of us who are really smart know there are really only two types of people in this world

Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

[Brigand]

I liked that last one DAP. It would drive your average OCD person batshit.

The only problem with the Kelvin joke is that it's hard to distinguish an uppercase O from a zero. Still funny though