Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Monkey Man]

Brigand walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou ppplease hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."
Brigand says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”
Brigand says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
Brigand says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"
Brigand has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

MM

[Monkey Man]

One to make Bob feel a bit better after that terrible personal equipment joke assault....

Brigand was at the pool a while back and after a bit of a lap around the pool decided it was time for a rest.
He slipped up on to the side of the pool then proceeded to reach into the water and extract one of his testicles and placed it on the side of the pool with him, then lifted the other one out, took a few deep breaths and reached back into the water to extract his dodger which he then deftly flipped up over his shoulder.
At this point he noticed a bloke staring at him, "piss of ya pervert" was his immediate reaction but the other bloke kept staring so Bob then said "what's your bloody problem mate?"
The bloke then stammered out..."well, I have to be honest, I was a bit fascinated as to the size of your bits and couldn't help but stare...."
Bob Replied, "well, yes, it is a bit embarrassing mate...... but everyone knows they all shrink in the cold water"

MM

I am sure Brigand will give suitable retribution for the sins I have committed

[m-37Bruce]

You are sooo bad!

[Brigand]

Brigand walks into the doctor's office and says, "D d d doc, I've bbeen stttutering ffor yyyears and IIII'm tttired of it. Cccan yyyou ppplease hehehelp mmme?"
The doctor says, "Well, I'll have to examine you to see what's going on."
So he examines him and says, "Well I think I know what the problem is.."
Brigand says, "Wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"
The doctor says, "Well, it's your penis, it's about a foot long and all the down pressure is putting strain on your vocal cords.”
Brigand says, "Wwwat cccan we ddo?"
The doctor advises, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one."
Brigand says, "Dddeal.....Dddo it!"
Brigand has the operation and six weeks later, he comes back into the doctor's office and says,
"Doc, you solved the problem and I don't stutter anymore, but I've only had sex once in the past three weeks. My wife doesn't like it anymore. She liked it with my long one. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back on"

The doctor says, "P p p piss o o o off. A ddddeal's a dddeal.

MM

Hhhey Ttttony, I tttold you ttthat in ccconfidence

[Brigand]

Alright here ya go .....

Back in the days that Monkey Man supported himself as a Rent-Boy at King’s Cross in Sydney, He was a very popular lad. Poofters and perverts would travel miles to enjoy his charms. His Stringer or Pimp was very impressed with his celebrity. I suppose you could say, “word of mouth” had gotten about.
So one morning after the nights clientele had all been seen to, MM met his stringer to deliver the swag. MM handed over a boot sock full of money . When the stringer had counted it all up he had a total of three hundred forty dollars and twenty-five cents. Immediately the stringer demanded to know who gave his best earner a mere twenty five cents. MM’s reply was “They all did”.

Ball’s in your court mate.

[Brigand]

This isn’t so much a joke as an anecdote:

When my boys were young one of them was acting a bit worried one evening. I didn’t ask what was on his mind because they usually would come clean when it was time to tuck in.
So that evening when I brought the ritualized Dixie cup of sweet tea, his eyes welled up and he said “Dad, I think I’ve got V.D. when he hiked his drawers and showed me his wedding tackle it looked like a wad of chewed gum. All red, swollen and sticky looking. I told him we’d go see the Doc in the morning . I also told him the Doc would need to know who he got it from. He said “what do you mean?”
I told him you don’t get this sort of thing from sneezes and scolded him a bit for playing dumb. As it turned out he wasn’t playing. It turned out that he did not have a dose but that he had used my shower in the bathroom attached to my shop. When he told me that, I new exactly what the problem was. I had run out of bath soap in my shower and my son had seized the only bar of soap in the bathroom. Thus he became familiar with the abrasive powers of Lava Soap.
I heard him warn his little brother “If you’re going to have a wank in the shower, don’t use Dad’s Lava soap.”

Just so you know I didn't let him suffer, A little mushed up aloe vera put him right so he could sleep.

[Brigand]

I told him this story when he was older and the subject of Lava came up.

A young grunt got a three day to Saigon and headed straight for Tu Do street as soon as the deuce and a half stopped rolling. He spent every cent he had and showed up at the rally point all slack eyed and silly looking. Back to the fire bases to join all the other gun bunnies and back to the boredom.
After about three days he went to drain the old bladder and discovered it hurt like hell, and it certainly didn’t help that his old fella had turned to the color of an eggplant.
So he high-tailed it to the medic who took one look and wrote him a ride to the nearest MASH unit. The MASH docs took a few test and collected a couple samples but all said they had never seen anything like that before. They sent him back to his unit and told him they’d let him know what the tests showed in a few days. When he returned he explained his predicament to his first sargent . He was a grumpy old cuss and scolded the kid for not coming to him first. He told the kid he would send him to see Dr. Pho who would fix him up rickey-tick. And so with pass in hand the kid hikes into the village to find Dr. Pho.
The Doc looked him over and without a word went to the back room. The soldier heard a lot of pouring, mixing and clinking of glass. Eventually Dr. Pho returned with a bowl of smelly green goo. Still not speaking a word he proceeded to paint the soldiers old fella with the goo. The effect was instantaneous, the pain vanished and the kid felt better than he had in days. He asked Dr. Pho if that was it or was there more to be done.

The old man replied, “You okay now, three maybe four day; turn black fall off.

[Brigand]

This was written by one of my favorite people on this planet.

ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2014 EUROPE

From JOHN CLEESE





The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.



The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.



The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.



Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."



The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."



Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .



The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.



Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.



Regards,

John Cleese ,

British writer, actor and tall person

[Master Yota]

^^^ Now that is funny! ^^^

[Brigand]

Three Cajuns went gator hunting one evening. There was Marcel Deautry, Pierre LaRouche and Francois Thibedeaux.
Now these boys knew that hunting gators wasn’t legal, but that didn’t bother them none. They had it in for one particular old beast that had been ruining their fishing and crawdad trapping.
Well things didn’t go as planned, they hooked into the old trouble making gator and he began thrashing and twirling and pretty soon old Marcel lost his footing and fell in with the gator and was never seen again that evening or any other after.
Pierre and Francois were beside themselves with worry and they circled in the airboat for hours, but it was hopeless and so they headed back to the dock to notify Marcel’s wife. Since neither one had ever met the woman they weren’t sure how to proceed. They argued back and forth about how best to break the news and who would have the onerous duty. Finally it was decided that since Pierre had two more years of schooling than Francois and was better with words, that he would be the one to break the sad news.
Pierre was silent the whole trip as the headed for shore trying to think how best to describe Marcel’s heroic demise.
When they arrived at the dock at daybreak there was a woman standing and waiting, clutching her shoulders against the cool morning air.
As Pierre and Francois tied off she asked if they had seen her husband Marcel.
Just as Pierre was about to begin his carefully thought out explanation of Marcel’s demise, Francois said without preamble,
“Hello Cher, You must be the Widow Deautry.”

[Monkey Man]

A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus:

"Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"

Olie responded: "Vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Olie said, "Vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie."

Olie said: 'Tank you," and proceeded. "Vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.

"By yimminy yahosaphat, I vas hurt purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.

"Shortly after da accident,a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.

"Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, How are you feelin?'"

"Now wot da fock vud you say?

[Monkey Man]

Two Irish nuns sitting at a traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to novice Sister Margaret, "I don't think they know who we are. Show them your cross."
So Sister Margaret rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin' wankers, before I come over there and rip yer nuts off!"
Sister Margaret looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

[Monkey Man]

Q: What do you call a nun in a wheelchair?
A: Virgin Mobile

[Monkey Man]

This is somewhat of a long read, but well worth it... enjoy... : )


ONLY A REAL MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS


Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!

I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily
control; and a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best .....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid.' Reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad, I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ....

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD ..... . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE......!!!

I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the foetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs! The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second burst would be considered conservative!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
drooling.

Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!

P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

[Monkey Man]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads..."