Home 
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
Moderators: Cal_Gary, T. Highway, Monkey Man, robi
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
Bruce,
1953 M-37 w/ow
Retired Again
Keep Em Rollin'
VMVA
1953 M-37 w/ow
Retired Again
Keep Em Rollin'
VMVA
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pryorfire48
- PVT
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Fri Dec 31, 2010 3:04 pm
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
Me and my wife haven't been getting along real great the last few weeks. She is a stay at home mom and doesn't do any house work. Yesterday i cam home from work and found her in the usual spot. She was sitting on her ass watching t.v. I said to her" i don't know why you watch these cooking shows, you can't cook" Her reply was "so, you watch porn"
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powerwagontim
- SFC
- Posts: 744
- Joined: Thu Dec 18, 2008 4:49 pm
- Location: Monkton, Vermont
- Contact:
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
Soooo, a little girl is sitting in her 1st grade class listening to her teacher. The teacher is telling the class the differences between humans and animals. She explains that one thing humans have which animals do not have is speech. The little girl puts her hand up. The teachers asks her if she has a question. The little girl says " My kitty could speak" The teacher asks her what she means. The little girl said " well yesterday I was playing in the back yard with my kitty. The neighbors big mean Rotweiller ran and jumped right over our fence. My kitty said F F F F, and before she could say fuck that bad ol dog ate her right up!"
Tim
Tim
Happiness is enjoying what you already have!
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
THE SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED THE ELEMENTARY KIDS, "WHEN WE ENTER HEAVEN, WHICH PART OF OUR BODY YOU THINK GOES IN FIRST?." "OUR HEAD" ONE LITLLE GIRL SAID,"SINCE WE STAND AS WE ENTER THE SKY." "OUR ARMS" SAID ANOTHER, "SINCE WE REACH TOWARDS THE SKY." "OUR LEGS" SAID A LITTLE BOY!!!. "OH?" SAID THE TEACHER, WHY IS IT THAT OUR LEGS ENTER FIRST????" "WELL", THE LITTLE BOY REPLIED, LAST NIGHT, I WOKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO GO TO THE BATHROOM. AND ON MY WAY THERE, I GLANCED THROUGH MY PARENTS' HALF-OPEN DOOR BEDROOM, AND THERE WAS MY MOM LAYING ON THE BED WITH HER LEGS SPREAD UP HIGH YELLING "I AM COMING!! OH GOD, I AM COMING!!" AND IF IT WAS NOT FOR MY FATHER TO PIN HER DOWN SHE WOULD BE GONE!!!!"....
LIFE IS SHORT AND ENDS UNEXPECTEDLY. MAKE EVERY MOMENT WORTH REMEMBERING.
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
A TRIP TO COSTCO
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
They won't let me shop at that Costco anymore!
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends ...... it will be their Laugh for the day .
Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Biscuit, the Wonder Dog, and was in the checkout line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
They won't let me shop at that Costco anymore!
Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
Forward this (especially) to all your retired friends ...... it will be their Laugh for the day .
Bruce,
1953 M-37 w/ow
Retired Again
Keep Em Rollin'
VMVA
1953 M-37 w/ow
Retired Again
Keep Em Rollin'
VMVA
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
Good one! I had to dig out my spare keyboard until I can get all the coffee out of the one that goes with this computer! "PER ARDUA AD ITER"
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
I GOT THIS BY EMAIL 
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer
Why we shoot deer in the wild (A letter from someone who wants to remain anonymous, who farms, writes well and actually tried this)
I had this idea that I could rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up-- 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold..
The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it, it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope .., and then received an education. The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED. The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity. A deer-- no Chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined.. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. I didn't want the deer to have to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite?
They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when ..... I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and slide off to then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head--almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.
It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now), tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing the tendons out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.
That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp... I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -like a horse --strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run. The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away. So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope......to sort of even the odds!!
All these events are true so help me God... An Educated Farmer
LIFE IS SHORT AND ENDS UNEXPECTEDLY. MAKE EVERY MOMENT WORTH REMEMBERING.
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Master Yota
- MSGT
- Posts: 828
- Joined: Sun Nov 15, 2009 11:50 am
- Location: Prince George BC Canada
- Contact:
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
If your child shows up late to a special ed. class, is it ok for the teacher to refer to them as tardy?
Ray
1953 CDN. M37
1954 CDN. M152
1953 CDN. M37
1954 CDN. M152
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
A GUY GOES TO THE DOCTOR BECAUSE HE IS NOT FEELING WELL. AFTER EXAMINATION, THE DOCTOR TELLS HIM "YOU ARE SERIOUSLY SICK, AND YOU WILL NEED AN OPERATION ASAP!!!". THE POOR GUY SAYS, "WELL DOCTOR, I REALLY APRECIATE YOUR WORK, BUT I WOULD LIKE AND A SECOND OPINION ON THIS." "OK" SAYS THE DOCTOR, "THEN COME BACK HERE TOMORROW AT TEN"... 
LIFE IS SHORT AND ENDS UNEXPECTEDLY. MAKE EVERY MOMENT WORTH REMEMBERING.
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
THE CIRCUS IS IN TOWN, AND THIS LION TAMER HAS A GREAT ACT. HE DROPED HIS PANTS, AND STUCK HIS DICK IN THE LIONS MOUTH. THE CROWD BREATHLES IS WATCHING AS THE LION CLOSES ITS SHARP TEETH ON THAT GUY'S FLESH, AND "WHACK" THE TAMER STRIKES THE LION'S HEAD FORCEFULLY WITH HIS HAND!! THE LION'S JAW OPENS AND THE DICK IS SPARED. THE TAMER TURNS TO THE SPEECHLESS AND DAZZLED CROWD, "IS THERE ANYONE WHO THINKS THAT CAN DO THIS?". COMPLETE SILENCE... AND THEN THIS BLONDE WOMAN RAISES HER HAND, "I CAN DO IT, BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE ME THAT YOU WILL NOT HIT MY HEAD SO HARD"...
LIFE IS SHORT AND ENDS UNEXPECTEDLY. MAKE EVERY MOMENT WORTH REMEMBERING.
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MikeOneSix
- SSGT
- Posts: 330
- Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:51 am
- Location: H'Burg,VA
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
A Hunter is walking in the woods with his friend when he(the friend) falls over and stops breathing. The hunter frantically calls 911 and exclaims "I my friend fell over, I think he's dead what should I do?" The 911 operator calmly tells the hunter to first make sure his friend is truly dead. The operator hears silence followed by a loud gunshot. The hunter comes back on the line and asks "Ok, now what?"
I thought this next one might be a little too salty for a public forum but after reading some of the above jokes maybe not.... If it is moderators, please dump it with my appologies. Ok here we go.
Two friends were spending a week in WV hunting on a large hunting property that included a mountain. After about a week of not seeing anything they deside to split up on the last day and try to cover more ground. Well the last day comes to an end and the two bewildered hunters return to their cabin. The first hunter says "I walked clear up & down this mountain w/o seeing so much as a wisp of a deer, how about you?" The second hunter answers " well, I went down as far as the rail road tracks and desided to follow them for a while when I came across this gorgeous woman just laying by the side of the tracks." He then goes on to tell his buddy that he had the most amazing sex with this woman and that's how he spent his last day. Well, the first hunter couldn't believe it. He was just astonished by this. He gets a sly smile on his face and asks "well, did she give you a BJ?" The second hunter replies "No, I couldn't find her head."
Matt
I thought this next one might be a little too salty for a public forum but after reading some of the above jokes maybe not.... If it is moderators, please dump it with my appologies. Ok here we go.
Two friends were spending a week in WV hunting on a large hunting property that included a mountain. After about a week of not seeing anything they deside to split up on the last day and try to cover more ground. Well the last day comes to an end and the two bewildered hunters return to their cabin. The first hunter says "I walked clear up & down this mountain w/o seeing so much as a wisp of a deer, how about you?" The second hunter answers " well, I went down as far as the rail road tracks and desided to follow them for a while when I came across this gorgeous woman just laying by the side of the tracks." He then goes on to tell his buddy that he had the most amazing sex with this woman and that's how he spent his last day. Well, the first hunter couldn't believe it. He was just astonished by this. He gets a sly smile on his face and asks "well, did she give you a BJ?" The second hunter replies "No, I couldn't find her head."
Matt
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
I WENT TO WORK THE OTHER MORNING AND IT WAS -14F OUT AT 6 AM. SO I MET WITH MY FRIENDS AT WORK, "COLD TODAY", "YES," SAID ANOTHER GUY. "I LOVE MY REMOTE STARTER" I SAID. ANOTHER GUY SAID "I HAVE A REMOTE STARTER AT HOME, I HAVE NOT INSTALLED IT TO MY TRUCK YET. I SHOULD HAVE HAD THOUGH" AND OUR MECHANIC KICKS IN " I HAVE A REMOTE STARTER AT HOME TOO, BUT I CAN'T GET THE BITCH TO GET OUT OF THE BED IN THE MORNING!!!!!" THAT WAS THE END OF THE CONVERSATION LOL
THAT WAS THE END OF THE CONVERSATION LOLLIFE IS SHORT AND ENDS UNEXPECTEDLY. MAKE EVERY MOMENT WORTH REMEMBERING.
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MikeOneSix
- SSGT
- Posts: 330
- Joined: Wed Nov 18, 2009 10:51 am
- Location: H'Burg,VA
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
Read this one on another MV site. Thought it was pretty good.
A biker is traveling along when he spots an attractive young woman on a bridge and it looks like she's about to jump. He pulls up to her and asks if she is in fact, about to jump and she replies "yes I am." Well before you go, can I have a good-bye kiss inquires the biker. She obliges him with the best lip lock he's ever had in his entire life and he tells her so. He then asks "why are you committing suicide?" The young woman answers "My parents want me to stop dressing up as a woman."
Matt
A biker is traveling along when he spots an attractive young woman on a bridge and it looks like she's about to jump. He pulls up to her and asks if she is in fact, about to jump and she replies "yes I am." Well before you go, can I have a good-bye kiss inquires the biker. She obliges him with the best lip lock he's ever had in his entire life and he tells her so. He then asks "why are you committing suicide?" The young woman answers "My parents want me to stop dressing up as a woman."
Matt
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
Thouiee.....Thouie.......... Pathouie.......... Now that was funny!!MikeOneSix wrote:Read this one on another MV site. Thought it was pretty good.
A biker is traveling along when he spots an attractive young woman on a bridge and it looks like she's about to jump. He pulls up to her and asks if she is in fact, about to jump and she replies "yes I am." Well before you go, can I have a good-bye kiss inquires the biker. She obliges him with the best lip lock he's ever had in his entire life and he tells her so. He then asks "why are you committing suicide?" The young woman answers "My parents want me to stop dressing up as a woman."
Matt
Bruce,
1953 M-37 w/ow
Retired Again
Keep Em Rollin'
VMVA
1953 M-37 w/ow
Retired Again
Keep Em Rollin'
VMVA
-
anthony manzella
- SSGT
- Posts: 292
- Joined: Sat Oct 27, 2007 4:08 pm
- Location: Crestwood Il
Re: Laughter is the Best Medicine.....
WOW ! it's a good thing the biker didn't ask for some type of other Lip service !MikeOneSix wrote:Read this one on another MV site. Thought it was pretty good.
A biker is traveling along when he spots an attractive young woman on a bridge and it looks like she's about to jump. He pulls up to her and asks if she is in fact, about to jump and she replies "yes I am." Well before you go, can I have a good-bye kiss inquires the biker. She obliges him with the best lip lock he's ever had in his entire life and he tells her so. He then asks "why are you committing suicide?" The young woman answers "My parents want me to stop dressing up as a woman."
Matt
Hit Duh Ground Runnin