Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Master Yota]

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

If they had 4 doors, they'd be a chicken sedan.

Oh man, thats painful...

[MikeOneSix]

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts....

Matt

[m15256]

So this guy gets a call to go repair an old gas fired dryer in a laundromat. The place is on the ocean and he always has problems with corrosion in the electrical contacts for the controls. The machine is old enough that it has slide switches on the circuit boards to program the cycles. It also has an LCD display on the front that tells customers things like *DOOR* *COOL* *FILL* *FULL* *HI* *LO* etc. Well things don't go so well and no matter how many times he traces through all the safety switches that lock out the burner he can't get it to light. In a moment of frustration he slams the cover shut and swears at the machine. Immediately the LCD lights up and starts flashing *FOOL*FOOL*FOOL*.

True story and I know because I'm the guy. First machine I ever met that actually communicated with me in English.

[Av8r]

A lady is walking through an airline terminal on her way home from a business trip when she sees a man wearing a uniform standing near one of the gates. He was a tall handsome man with chiseled good looks standing there proudly with his head held high. He sported four stripes on his epaulettes. Unable to resist she walks up to him.

"You're an airline pilot aren't you?"

Looking her in the eye he replies, "Yes Mam, I am."

He had a smooth polite voice that exuded an air of confidence, much like she had heard a hundred times on the aircraft PA system. She continues, "I hear you guys are a horny bunch and get around a lot. I bet you guys get a lot of action."

"Well, some people might say that Mam."

"In fact," she says, "I bet you guys have sex all the time. So tell me, when was the last time you had sex?"

At this the pilot looks up with a far away look in his eyes and says, "Well Mam, that would have been 1959."

"1959! You haven't had sex since 1959!", she exclaims. "My goodness I can't believe it, that might as well be forever!"

"It does seem like forever, Mam." Then raising his arm he glances at his watch and replies, " After all it's now 2018."

[Monkey Man]

I was walking down the street near the local cemetary the other day and noticed 4 pall bearers with a coffin walking in the opposite direction, they all looked quite sombre so I thought it best to say nothing and keep walking. After my shopping trip I was walking back home and saw the same 4 pall bearers with the same coffin still walking around and felt quite sorry for them as I thought to myself, these poor bastards have completely lost the PLOT......

Regards - MM

[Lifer]

E-e-e-ew!

[Lifer]

A group of 'Nam vets were quietly sipping some cool ones at their local VFW hall one afternoon when a very attractive (but very drunk) young lady came in and ordered a beer. She sat there quietly enjoying her drink for a couple of minutes and then got up and walked over to the veterans. She pulled a $20 bill out of her pocket and says "I got 20 bucks here for whoever has the longest tallywhacker."

"How are you going to measure 'em" asked one of the oldsters.

"From the balls to the tip," replied the young lady.

The guy said "I'm in!" as he dropped his pants.

"My god!" yelped the girl. "Where are your balls?"

"About 30 clicks north of Saigon," said the vet. "Pay up!"

[SOTVEN]

A DAD AND A SON ARE OUT SHOPPING, AND THE KID SEES A STAND OF STASHED CONDOMS AT THE STORE. "DAD? WHY ARE THESE CONDOMS PACKED IN THREES?" "OH, THESE MY SON ARE FOR THE HIGHSCHOOL KIDS, 1 FOR FRIDAY, 1 FOR SATURDAY AND 1 FOR SUNDAY". "I SEE, AND WHY ARE THESE IN PACKS OF 6?" ASKED THE KID AGAIN POINTING AT A DIFFERENT PACK. "THOSE ARE FOR COLLEGE STUDENTS" SAID THE FATHER, "2 FOR FRIDAY, 2 FOR SATURDAY AND 2 FOR SUNDAY". "AND THESE HERE THAT ARE IN A PACK OF 12?" ASKED THE KID AGAIN. "THOSE ARE FOR THE MARRIED PEOPLE" SAID THE FATHER, "1 IN JANUARY, 1 IN FEBRUARY, 1 IN MARCH...

[Lifer]

Lifer wrote:
> Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?
>
> Here is a little test that will help you decide.
>
> You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small
> children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around
> the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah,
> raises the knife, and charges at you.
>
> You are carrying an Army surplus 1911 Colt .45 ACP that you got through
> Government Liquidation. Your EUC has cleared and you are an expert shot.
> You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you
> do?
>
> Democrat's Answer:
> * Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
> * Does the man look poor or oppressed?
> * Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
> * Could we run away?
> * What does my wife think?
> * What about the kids?
> * Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of
> his hand?
> * What does the law say about this situation?
> * Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it?
> * Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does
> this send to
> society and to my children?
> * Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
> * Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to
> wound me?
> * If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while
> he was stabbing me?
> * Should I call 9-1-1?
> * Why is this street so deserted?
> * We need to raise taxes, have a "Paint & Weed Day"
> * Can we make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage
> such behavior?
> * I need to debate this with some friends for a few days and try to come
> to a consensus.
> * This is all so confusing!
>
> Republican's Answer:
> BANG!
>
> Southerner's Answer:
> BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! BANG! BANG!
> BANG!
> Click
> (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
> BANG!
> Click
>
> Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips
> or Hollow Points?"
>
> Son: "Can I shoot the next one?"
>
> Wife: "You ain't taking that to the Taxidermist!"

[Av8r]

wrote:
> Outstanding Lifer! Big thumbs up from Kentucky!

[Sal]

wrote:
> Here is a old one but I still get a chuckle out of it..
>
> A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out
> of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got
> the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing
> that he might have to testify about in court.
> When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million,
> he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
> The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million
> bucks is that he embezzled from me."
> The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is.
> Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
> The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you
> are talking about."
> The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says,
> "Ask him again!"
> The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell
> him."
> Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown
> briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in
> Woodbridge!"
> The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
> The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the
> trigger."
>
> Don't you just LOVE lawyers?!
>
> Sal
>

[Monkey Man]

A rather savvy old bloke noticed his wife was going out more often than usual but didn't question it being that they had been married so long, one day she came home with a diamond ring on, he askead as to where she got it, the reply was she won it in the raffle at the local social club. Later that week she came home with a fur coat on and when questioned about it the same answer was served, somewhat coldly this time so he left it at that.
The next week the wife dove home in a new car that was also apparently a raffle prize and when the question was asked as to the details of this raffle the wife told him to get over it and accept what she had said was gospel, she was tired from a long day at the social club and that if he was any sort of decent Husband he would do something good and go run her a bath.
Shortly after the Husband called his wife that her bath was ready so she wandered upstairs to relax a bit but once she entered the bathroom noticed that there was but half an inch of water in the bathtub, infutiated that her husband was seemingly so stupid demanded a reason as to why her bath was so shallow to which he replied, Eh, Well, I didn't want you to get your "Raffle Ticket" wet!!..........

Best Regards - MM

[Brigand]

Okay here's another involving St. Pete
Three men show up at the Pearly Gates and St. Pete inquires of them "How did you die?
The first guy says "I came home and found my wife in bed and she'd obviously been with another man. I tore the place apart and then I spotted a guy leaving the building straightening his tie. By then I was so angry, I picked up the refrigerator and dropped it on his head and apparently I had a heart attack and died in the process."
And you, St. Pete asked the second fellow? He replies " I was standing on the sidewalk outside my apartment waiting for my girlfriend. Then out of the blue, A refrigerator lands on my head and here I am ."
And what's your story? St. Pete asks of the third man. Well, he says I was seeing this married woman and we had just finished a bit of canoodle when she heard her old man coming up the stairs. I was trying to figure out where to hide, and the woman says not under the bed! that's the first place he'll look. We went through this a couple times with other places and finally I crawled into the fridge, and that's all I remember.

[SOTVEN]

A GUY WANTS TO BUY A LONG RANGE RIFLE. WALKS INTO A STORE AND ASKS FOR ONE. THE SALES MAN SAYS "THIS JUST CAME IN, HIGH CALIBER, LONG RANGE, AND A HIGH POWER SCOPE ON IT. GUARRANTEED TO MAKE A THOUSAND YARD SHOTS. CHECK OUT THROUGH THE STORE WINDOW AND YOU WILL SEE MY HOUSE ON THE TOP OF THE HILL, JUST TO SEE HOW STRONG THE SCOPE ALONE IS, YOU CAN SEE THROUGH THE WINDOWS OF MY HOUSE!!!" THE GUY INDEED SHOULDERS THE GUN AIMS OUT THE WINDOW AND TOWARDS THE HOUSE, LOWERS THE GUN AND STARTS LAUGHING. THE SALESMAN PUZZLED "WHAT IS SO FUNNY?" THE GUY REPLIES "MAN, I DO NOT KNOW IF I LOOKED AT THE RIGHT HOUSE, BUT THERE WAS A NAKED MAN AND A NAKED WOMAN RUNNING AROUND THE LIVING ROOM." THE SALESMAN LOOKS THROUGH THE SCOPE, AND AGGREVATED "THAT F**** W****!!!!! ... LISTEN I ONLY SELL GUNS, I DO NOT KNOW HOW TO SHOOT THEM. I WILL GIVE YOU TWO BULLETS, PUT ONE IN HIS HEAD AND ONE IN HER HEAD. I WILL GIVE YOU THE RIFLE FOR FREE". "OK" SAYS THE GUY, LOADS THE GUN AND AIMS.... LOWERS THE GUN, EJECTS ONE CARTRIDGE, AIMS AGAIN..."I CAN DO IT WITH ONLY ONE SHOT NOW..."

[SOTVEN]

A MAN DIED AND WENT TO HEAVEN. ST. PETER SHOWED HIM AROUND THE BEAUTIFUL SCENERY, AND INFORMED HIM OF ALL THE ACTIVITIES THAT WERE GOING ON. FINALLY HE TOLD HIM NOT TO GO OVER THE HILL AT THE SIDE OF THE GARDEN. NEVER!!!. DAYS WENT BY, AND THIS GUY WAS REALLY CURIOUS ABOUT WHAT WAS OVER THE HILL. MORE DAYS WENT BY AND NOW HE WAS BORRED ALSO WITH ALL THE PEACE AND QUIET AND THE SOFT HYMNS AND BIRD SONGS, SO HE WENT TOWARDS THE HILL. ST PETER SAW HIM "NO!!! DON'T GO!!!" HE YELLED. THE GUY STARTED RUNNING TOWARDS THE HILL. "COME BACK!!! IT IS THE HELL THERE!!! STOP!!!" TOO LATE, THE GUY IS AT THE TOP OF THE HILL OVERLOOKING A HUGE SANDY BEACH WITH CLEAR BLUE WATERS AND ENDLESS BEAUTIFUL WOMEN SWIMING NAKED. "IS THIS HELL? AND I AM WASTING MY TIME HERE IN HEAVEN? QUICK! TELL ME ST. PETER, HOW DO I GET THERE?". "OH, NO YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS, IF YOU GO TO HELL YOU CAN NOT COME BACK" SAID ST PETER. "I DO NOT CARE, HOW CAN I GET THERE?!!!". "OK" SAYS ST. PETER, "ELEVATOR TO LOWER LOBBY." THE GUY JUMPS INTO IT, PRESSES THE BUTTON "LL" AND THE DOOR EVENTUALLY OPENS... BURNING FLAMES, HOT TAR, FUMES, SMOKE, HEAT, AGONIZING SCREAMS OF PAIN AS THE TORTURES TAKE PLACE, AND THE DEVIL STANDING THERE. "WHAT IS THIS PLACE?" SAYS THE GUY. "THIS IS THE HELL, WELCOME" SAYS THE DEVIL. THE GUY SAYS "BUT...BUT... WHAT ABOUT THE BEACH AND THE GIRLS...?" AND THE DEVIL REPLIED "OH, YOU SAW THE COMMERCIAL DIDN'T YOU"...