Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Monkey Man]

Good one Bubba, I mean Carter......

Married life........
Two policemen call their station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that the Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here.
A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped
clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."

[Brigand]

That's not cowardice, just common sense. Good one Tony.

[Monkey Man]

A man pulled up next to a little girl walking home from school and said "If you get in, I'll give you a lollypop." The girl kept walking. Following along slowly, the man said "Come on and get in the car with me and I'll give you two lolly pops." She kept her eyes on the sidewalk and continued on her way. The man said "Get in with me and I'll give you this whole bag of lollypops!" Finally, the girl turned and said "Look Daddy, YOU sold the M37 and bought the bloody Ford, YOU ride in it!!!"

[Monkey Man]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it! I am going to set up a test that will run two hours, and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent emails.

They sent out emails with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy reports.

They made cards.

They did every known job.

But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across
the sky, thunder clapped, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity
went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their
computers. Satan started searching frantically and screamed,
"It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went off!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past
two hours of diligent work. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[Carter]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION -- about balls

1.The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2.The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3.The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4.The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5.The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And...

6.The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE amazing facts are, The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be
a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

[Monkey Man]

Indeed carter, and I doubt Canberra would be much different.....


Carter’s wife was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road, As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, she tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to her.
"What's in da bag?" asked the old woman.
Carter’s wife looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two, Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

"Good trade"

MM

[Carter]

Always thought she was happy with me.. guess she will have to mow the lawn her self now. .

[T. Highway]

Always thought she was happy with me.. guess she will have to mow the lawn her self now. .

Carter,

You still have to mow the lawn, take out the trash and plow the driveway.

Bert

[Monkey Man]

Carter, I doubt Sandy would trade you for a bottle of wine....However a case of really good wine may be a different matter altogether


Monkey Man decided that he'd had enough of quadding and decided to take up hang gliding. He loads the hang glider into his Dodge, and drives up to the top of the nearest mountain. After fiddling with the hang glider for a bit, he's ready to go. He takes off running and reaches the edge, and leaps off into the air. Flight! MM catches an updraft, and is soon happily performing lazy circles in the warm summer sky.

Meanwhile, old maw Sandy and paw Carter were sittin' on the front porch swing, talkin' 'bout the good ol' days, when maw spots the biggest bird she ever seen!

"Lookit the size of that bird, Paw!" she exclaims.

Paw raises up and hollers,"GIT MAH GUN, MAW!!"

Sandy runs into the house, grabs the 12ga from under the mattress, and runs back outside and hands it to Carter. He takes careful aim. BANG.. BANG... BANG... BANG! The monster-sized bird continues to sail silently over the tree tops.

"I think ya missed him, Paw," she says.

"Yeah," he replies, "but at least he let go of MM!"

[w30bob]

SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER'S DISEASE....It takes less than 15 seconds..

If you are over 45 years old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?

1. _ _NDOM


2. F_ _K


3. P_N_S


4. PU_S_


5. S_X


6. BOO_S





| | | | | | | | | |




Answers:




1. RANDOM



2. FORK



3. PANTS



4. PULSE



5. SIX



6. BOOKS



You got all 6 wrong....didn't you?




You do NOT have Alzheimer's




You are a Pervert.

[Monkey Man]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees Brigand stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says,
'How is this possible?' Bob replied....

'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.’

[Monkey Man]

Brigand get's off the redeye international flight from Seattle and arrives in Australia.
Monkey Man the customs officer: Any convictions?
Brigand: Is that still a requirement?

[Brigand]

While that is the sort of thing I am prone to say, it's also the sort of thing that will very nearly guarantee one a strip-search. Good on ya' Tony my lad.

[Carter]

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 60

1. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

2. With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

3. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.

4. Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)





5. After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

[Monkey Man]

And here I was mentally picturing a retiree with muscles of steel LOL

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$150"

Man - "Sold."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in
the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a Wilson infielder's glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$350"
Man - "Highway robbery. Sold"

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go
outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my ball
and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy
says, "$500"The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends
like that ... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going To
take
you to church and make you confess your greed." They go to the church and
the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes
the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."The priest says, "Don't start that [ censored ]
again,
you're in MY closet now.”