Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Paddyofurniture]

Looks like a match made in Heaven.

Paddy

[SOTVEN]

A defendant was on trial for murder.

There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense's closing statement, the lawyer, knowing that his client
would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the
lawyer said as he looked at his watch.

"Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into
this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all
looked on eagerly.

A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But
you all looked on with anticipation.

I, therefore, put it to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as
to whether anyone was killed, and I insist that you return a verdict of not
guilty."

The jury retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and
pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of
you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Yes, we did look, but your client didn't."

[Carter]

[m-37Bruce]

That's what thirty bucks will get you!

[Monkey Man]

(This one has been blatantly ripped off from Quads.ca, the names only changed to protect the innocent)

While in Hawaii MM walks into a pub with his pet monkey.

He orders a mojito, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.

The monkey grabs some nibbles off the bar and eats them.

Then grabs someones chips and eats them.

Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole.

The barman screams at MM, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

MM says, "No, what?"

"He just ate a ball off the pool table!

He swallowed it whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied MM.

"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. Sorry. I'll pay for the ball and that."

He finishes his drink, pays up for the monkey and leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the pub again, and has his monkey with him.

He orders a mojito and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While MM is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a cherry on the bar.

He grabs it, sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his arse, pulls it out, and eats it.

The barman is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replies MM.

"Well, he stuck a cherry and a peanut up his arse, pulled them out, and ate em!" said the barman.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied MM.

"He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to crap out that pool ball, he measures everything first." !!!

[Carter]

Didn't see that one coming.

[m-37Bruce]

Nor did I!

[Sal]

Crisco

A little old lady is walking around in a supermarket calling out, Crisco, Crissssssscoooo!'

Soon an assistant manager approaches and says, 'Mam, the Crisco is in aisle 3.'

The woman replies, 'Oh, I'm not looking for the cooking stuff. I'm calling my husband.
He's in here somewhere'

The clerk is astonished.

'Your husband's name is Crisco?'

The woman answers, 'Oh no, no, no. I only call him that when we're out in public'

'I see,' said the clerk.

'What do you call him at home?'

'Lard ass.'

I love old people!


Sal

[Monkey Man]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother thru?""


The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex.


And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition
convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the
country club... (takes a breath)...

and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy!
Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl!

I thought ye said a Protestant.

......Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

[HingsingM37]

LMAO I like that one.

[Brigand]

Mike an american working in Britain walks into his favorite Islington watering hole looking bruised and battered,with two black eyes and plasters all over his chin and cheeks.
His mates asked what happened to him and he replied.
I was at a winebar in Cornwall and I heard these two rather large women chatting with heavy accents. I tried to be friendly and asked "where in Scotland are you two ladies from?". They replied "Wales you idiot!" So I asked "where in Scotland are you two whales from?"

[Brigand]

The last one reminded me of this one.

Seamus wanders in to the Pig and Primrose and orders his usual half and half. The Barman looks him up and down and says "Jayzus ,Mary and Joseph lad, what's happened to you? You've two black eyes a broken nose and you're bruised from collar to cap!" Well says Seamus, draw me anothe and I'll tell you. "Yesterday I went to Sunday mass and I found myself sitting behind Maggie McBride. You all know her, Big woman near twenty-four stone I'd say. When we rose for the benediction I couldn't help but notice that her skirt was stuck in the middle of her ponderous rump. So as deftly as I could manage I plucked it from the fleshy folds. Well Maggie turned 'round and to thank me for my kindnes ,walloped me in the nose. The last thing I remember thinking before the cock crowed this morning was that, if that's her attitude I'd may as well put it back".

[Paddyofurniture]

You all are so bad you all are going straight to hech, but I will see you there!

Paddy

[Paddyofurniture]

KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.. 'Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now She's hitting the bottle!

NUDITY

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, 'What's the matter, haven'tyou ever seen a little boy before?'

[Sal]

Universal Laws


. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better.. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.