Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[chris olson]

A pickle, Cucumber and A penis walk into a bar. talking about how miserable their lives are...
The Pickle says "My life sucks.when I get big and Juicy, they put all these seasonings on me and stuff me in a Jar."
The Cucumber says, "No, MY life sucks. When I get big and Juicy, they slice me up, put me in a salad and drown me in dressing."

The Penis says, " You think you guys have it bad. When I get big and Juicy, they throw a plastic bag over my head put me inside a smelly room and bang my head against the walls over and over again until I puke all over myself and faint..."

[SOTVEN]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[SOTVEN]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in
the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball
bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there
and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off,
the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then
be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[MikeOneSix]

A Group people are sitting in a restaurant enjoying a meal when someone noticed that their waiter had an "extra" spoon in his shirt pocket. After a few mins they notice that all of the wait staff have extra spoons and only spoons in their shirt pockets. When their waiter returns, one of the diners asks about the spoon.

The waiter explains that "the restaurant just went through a review by an efficiency expert and he told us that the spoon is the most frequently dropped utencil. We could save 15 man hours a week per shift if all the wait staff just carried an extra spoon in their pocket to give to patrons instead of making a special trip back to the kitchen". All of the patrons at that table thought that was great and not soon after one of them dropped their spoon. The waiter smiles and hands the patron the "new" spoon from his shirt pocket.

At that moment, another diner at the table notices a string dangling from the fly of the waiter's pants. That patron inquries as to it's purpose and the waiter answers; "Well, the same efficiency expert told us that if we attached a string to our you-know-what we could remove it when we have to go to the bathroom and not have to wash our hands, saving the company money on man hours plus soap & water". The patron with the "new" spoon then asks: well, how do you put "it" back in? The waiter responds " I don't know about the rest of the employees here, but I use the spoon in my pocket."

Matt

[Master Yota]

T-G-I-F vs. $-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.
When he entered, there was a blonde already
inside who greeted him with a bright,"T-G-I-F."
He smiled at her and replied, "$-H-I-T."
She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
He again answered, "$-H-I-T."
The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possible, "T-G-I-F."
The man smiled back to her and once again, "$-H-I-T."
The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank God, It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
The man answered, "'$-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday'-- duuhhh.

[Master Yota]

Edward the first, of England comes to Scotland to conquer the Scots. He brings 4,000 men with him. As he nears the battlefield there suddenly appears a solitary figure on the crest of the hill. A short, ginger-haired guy in a kilt.

"Come up here ya English bastards, and I'll give ye a hammerin!" he shouts.

Edward turns to his commander, "Send 20 men to deal with that little Scottish upstart" he says.
The commander sends twenty of his best men over the hill to kill the Scotsman. Ten minutes later, at the crest of the hill, the little Scot appears again.

"Ya English diddies!" he yells. "Come on the rest of ye! Come on, I'll take ye all on!"

Edward is getting somewhat annoyed. He turns to his commander. "Send 100 men to kill that little shite!" The commander sends 100 men Over the hill to do the job. Ten minutes later, the little Scot appears at the top of the hill once more, his hair all sticking up, his shirt a wee bit torn.

"Ya English scum!" he yells. "I'm just warming up! Come and get me, ya English shites!"

Edward losses patience. "Commander, take 400 men and personally wipe that little bastard off the face of the earth!" he yells.
The commander gulps, but leads four hundred men on horseback over the crest of the hill. Ten minutes later, the little Scotsman is back.. His clothing is all torn, his face is covered in blood, snot and war paint.

"Is that the best ye can dae? You're bloody wummin! Come on! Come and have a go ya bunch of English Shites!" he yells.

Edward turns to his second-in-command. "Take 1,000 men over that hill and don't come back till you've killed that little red haired bastard!" he commands.
The second-in-command gathers the men and they ride off over the hill to their fate. Ten minutes later, one of the English troops appears back at the top of
the hill covered in blood, his clothes all torn off his back. "Your Majesty" he yells "It's a trap!"

"There's F----- two of them!"

[Paddyofurniture]

Master Yota, I printed your Scottish story to share with my Scottish Father-in-law.

Paddy

[SOTVEN]

These are actual comments made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (but, boy, are these funny!)


1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this student to breed.

3. Your child has delusions of adequacy.

4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. (my favorite...)

5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

7. This child has been working with glue too much.

8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming..

10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

12. The wheel is turning but the hamst er is definitely dead.


These
are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were taken off actual
police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?" (MY FAVORITE)

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run thr ough NCIC." ( National Crime Information Center )

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

THE WINNER IS....



16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't.. Sign here."

[SOTVEN]

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day,
the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell,
hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been expecting you.'
'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty?'
'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat'
After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed.
And sometimes the living room floor is fun You can really spread out there.'
'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me!'

'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and
I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes,
but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.'
'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right.
People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'
'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached
I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh...equipment?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.'
'Tripod?'
'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'
Mrs. Smith fainted!!

[hmvlover]

Little Johnny early in the morning went by a house with an old timmer sitting on the pourch. The old timmer yeald out with "WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT ROLL OF DUCK TAPE" I'm getting me some Ducks and about an hour latter he came back with that roll of Duck tape fully rolled out with DUCKS attach it.

The next morning came and the same thing happened but with a roll of Chicken Wire and of course he came back with the Chicken Wire fully rolled out with CHICKENS attached.

About a week went by and Little Johnny came back through the same route but with a wagon load of PUSSY WILLOWS and the Old Timmer yeald out with "WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT WAGON FULL OF, NEVER MIND I'M COMMING WITH YOU "

=========================================================================================================
Husbabd and wife goes to bed. The wife ask the husband if he wants to do it again tonight. He replies with "NO! becuase I did it last night and I'm tired and worn out and didn't slep a wink". The wife said "Come on, one more time" and he replied with "NO and if you want the damn window open, adjusted or closed! you do it your self. GOOD NIGHT"

=========================================================================================================
Later Joe

[Master Yota]

How big a bird will fit under a Scotsman's kilt?

Depends on the size of the perch...

[SOTVEN]

On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out," and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer... for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get
married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled.

"Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."

"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't work
out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

"OH, COME ON!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest up here!

Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer????????????????????????????

[SOTVEN]

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone:

“Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.”

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but as the idiots they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote “Returned unopened"

[SOTVEN]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game.
They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!"

[Sal]

ATT1.jpg (36.17 KiB) Viewed 2580 times

Irrefutable proof that a good woman can bring
balance and stability to your life.


Sal