Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Brigand]

Scottish indeed, hmmph!

Actually we do have quite a bit of Scot in the lineage, you can't live for several generations that close to Hadrian's wall and not expect a bit of mischief.

I will be off planet for a bit so this will be my last one for a while.

Dennis fancied himself quite the dashing lad; He wore blue jeans, a t-shirt and a leather bomber jacket just like James Dean. And also like James Dean, he spent a great deal of time combing his hair. He had a great motor-bike a big beautiful Vincent Black Shadow.
He rode the bike well and had established a reputation as a daring, hard to beat racer.
One afternoon during a run along the great western road it began to rain, so Dennis pulled off to zip up his jacket. Much to his displeasure the zip wouldn’t work and he couldn’t close his jacket and so being the clever type he took off his jacket and put it back on back to front. Off he went and while trying to find his way back to the A road he turned down a narrow lane that ran along pasture land. While rounding a bend he discovered several cows standing in the road, it was all he could do to avoid hitting one and in the effort he lost control of the bike. The farmer and owner of the cows heard the noise from the road and bade his wife call the police. Cursing the hikers who doubtless left his gate unlatched he headed down the lane to see what could be done. When the constable arrived the farmer told him there was nothing to be done. The rider had died shortly after the farmer began tending him. The farmer told the constable, “He showed some signs of life until we got his head turned round the right way!”

[Brigand]

It seems I am earthbound for now, so prepare yourselves!

[Brigand]

I'm sure most of you have heard this joke. I have heard versions with a pick-up truck full of "Brasseros" and Jerry Clower had a great version involving the entire Ledbetter clan.



Michael O’Shauneghsy was a good Catholic man and his wife Kathryn was a good Catholic woman and they loved each other very much, and frequently. As a result they had been blessed over the years with seventeen children. They had fourteen boys and their names ranged through all the apostles and a couple of the better known saints in the bargain. The girls however were named Mary, Margaret and Bridget. They had a small holding outside of the village but it wasn’t really a going concern. He made his meager living in removals. He had his own removal company. He had one old draught horse and a sturdy wagon and he would haul away building materials from demolition sites which were common during the war. The usable items he would store in or around his own barn such as brick, timbers and pavers and the like. The war wouldn’t last forever and people would need these materials when rebuilding began. And he was right, once the war ended lots of town folk were keen to rebuild their bombed out cottages and houses. He made quite a decent profit from his fore sight and was able to buy an old Bedford lorry from the Royal Army surplus ministry. He drove his new possession up the hill to show it to his family. Finally he had a vehicle that could accommodate his entire brood. He decided on a whim to take the entire family into the village to see the cinema. All the boys and girls climbed into the back and though it was close they all managed to squeeze in. They were all in high spirits as the lorry pulled away, although the girls complained about the smell of the canvas and the grimy nature of the bed in general.
As the lights of the village appeared in the distance Michael grew concerned, there appeared to be a plume of smoke rising from the Council Hall which after the pub was the center of village life. As they drew closer he became certain that the council hall was ablaze but his attention quickly shifted to the road ahead and as he reached the bottom of the hill he stepped on the brake. It was to no avail and the pedal went straight away to the floor having not the slightest effect on their forward momentum, and now they were on a collision course with the council hall. By fiddling with the gears Michael was able to slow the beast just enough so that they wouldn’t all be killed when the lorry plowed through the huge double doors of the blazing council hall. The bucket brigade scattered when they had seen the lorry bearing down on them and were slow to get back at it.
Inside the hall however Michael called to his young ones and told them if they wanted to live through this inferno they better get busy with whatever came to hand and beat out these flames. All nineteen of them began picking up bits of canvas and flailing away at the flames. In a remarkably short time they had managed to put the fire completely out and out they marched sooty and dirtied but unharmed. The mayor and the council who had been on the bucket brigade quickly decided amongst themselves that such heroism and bravery should be rewarded and they conferred a two hundred pound cheque on Michael and his family. The townspeople clapped them on the back and shook their hands and tousled the hair of the children. When the mayor asked Michael what he would do with the two hundred pounds; the crowd silenced itself for his reply. Michael said quite loudly, “The first thing I’ll do is have that lorry in the Garage and get them bleedin’ brakes mended”.

[Brigand]

I heard this one in a pub last night.

Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.



The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do
you stay in such great physical condition?'



I'm Italian and I am a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

''Well', says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your father when he died?'

'Who said my father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed.



'You mean you're 80 years old and your father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 100 years old,' says Silvio. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'That's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your father's father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it.



'Getting married? Why would a 118 year old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?"

[Brigand]

Swedish gent goes to a chemist and says " I'd like some deodorant please." So the chemist inquires of the man "ball or aerosol ? " The Swede replied " neither, I just want it for my arm pits " .

I will be posting horrible jokes like this until you lot start pulling your weight!

[Brigand]

My dear wife sent me this while I was at the shop, I thought you lot would enjoy it. It certainly made me chuckle.

A man was telling his buddy: "You won't believe what happened last night." My daughter walked into the living room and said: "Dad, cancel my allowance, forget my college tuition loan, rent my room out now, throw away all my clothes, take my TV and laptop. Please take any of my jewelry to Salvation Army. Then, sell my car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then, disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to anyone you choose."

"Holy Smokes", replied the friend, "She actually said that?"

The father replied: "Well, she didn't actually put it quite like that." She said: "Dad, meet my new boyfriend, Mohammed. We're going to work together on Hillary's election campaign

[Sal]

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[Monkey Man]

Sal, Never a truer word Said!!.....

Folks, Have you had your Morning Coffee Yet? What type of Coffee you drink is very important as it can set the tone of your day

MM

[m-37Bruce]

Thanks Tony, I've been caffeinated most of the day, now I'm juniper'ed! (and juice)

[Monkey Man]

Eh, Just titting about......

MM

[Sal]

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[Master Yota]

So I realized today that while I am not built for speed, I can still cover some ground when prodded to do so. This new found rapidity was discovered when I hopped in the M today to move it, only to find that a group of rather retched and savage hornets had stuck a soft ball sized hive to the interior roof
If I had been shot from a cannon I doubt I'd have moved any faster. Hit the ground running and slammed the door behind me
Didn't get stung once!

Foamed the nest with some spray insecticide this evening and moved the "install new window seals" to the top of the to-do list...

[m-37Bruce]

So I realized today that while I am not built for speed, I can still cover some ground when prodded to do so. This new found rapidity was discovered when I hopped in the M today to move it, only to find that a group of rather retched and savage hornets had stuck a soft ball sized hive to the interior roof
If I had been shot from a cannon I doubt I'd have moved any faster. Hit the ground running and slammed the door behind me
Didn't get stung once!

Foamed the nest with some spray insecticide this evening and moved the "install new window seals" to the top of the to-do list...

YIKES!

[Master Yota]

So I realized today that while I am not built for speed, I can still cover some ground when prodded to do so. This new found rapidity was discovered when I hopped in the M today to move it, only to find that a group of rather retched and savage hornets had stuck a soft ball sized hive to the interior roof
If I had been shot from a cannon I doubt I'd have moved any faster. Hit the ground running and slammed the door behind me
Didn't get stung once!

Foamed the nest with some spray insecticide this evening and moved the "install new window seals" to the top of the to-do list...

YIKES!

I'm just glad my speed trial wasn't caught on camera. Under slow motion review it would have been a shining example of the need for the "Man-ssiere"...

[m-37Bruce]

So I realized today that while I am not built for speed, I can still cover some ground when prodded to do so. This new found rapidity was discovered when I hopped in the M today to move it, only to find that a group of rather retched and savage hornets had stuck a soft ball sized hive to the interior roof
If I had been shot from a cannon I doubt I'd have moved any faster. Hit the ground running and slammed the door behind me
Didn't get stung once!

Foamed the nest with some spray insecticide this evening and moved the "install new window seals" to the top of the to-do list...

YIKES!

I'm just glad my speed trial wasn't caught on camera. Under slow motion review it would have been a shining example of the need for the "Man-ssiere"...

OMG, what a vision! (me too)