Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Sal]

CARE FOR THE ELDERLY

A man goes to visit his 85-year old grandpa in the hospital

"How are you grandpa?" He asks

"Feeling fine" says the old man

What's the food like?

"Terrific, wonderful menus"

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you"

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep okay?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the nurse in charge.

"What are you people doing" he says. "I'm told you're giving an 85 year old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?"

"Oh, yes" replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well".
"The chocolate makes him sleep,
and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed".

Sal

[Monkey Man]

Awesome Sal......

Mick the Aussie goes to Ireland to explore his ancestral past, gets off the plane and goes to the bar, catches a stiff drink then flags a taxi down and asks to go to Dublin, the driver Shamus says it is a ways away but it's Micks choice so off they go down the road and Mick dozed off to sleep after his long flight. After about half an hours travelling Mick woke up from his nap, looked about and had no idea where he was so he tapped Shamus on the shoulder to ask him where they were at, all of a sudden they were out of control, skidding across 2 lanes of traffic, sideswiping a bus full of Japanese tourists, up the embankment and back down again, clipped a Police Car and skidded to a halt on the side of the road.
As the Police rushed across to check Mick and Shamus they could see were visibly shaken and asked as to what the hell happened, Mick immediately apologised and said it was entirely his fault and it was only his first day on the job driving a taxi and that all was going well until Mick tapped him on the shoulder, no-one had ever done that before in all his 25 years of driving people about ...............in the County HEARSE!!

MM

[m-37Bruce]

MM and Sal both good one's!!

[Monkey Man]

Brigand was riding a bus, minding his own business, when
the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.

The baby wouldn't take it, so she said,
"Come on sweetie, eat it all up or
I'll have to give it to this nice man next to us."

Five minutes later, the baby was still
not feeding, so she said,
"Come on, honey. Take it or I'll give
it to this nice man here."

A few minutes later Brigand couldn't take it any more and blurted out.....

For Chrissake kid.. make up your mind!
I was supposed to get off four stops ago!

[Sal]

Now that's a good one Monk...lol.. Poor Brigand ahhahaahhaa

Sal

[Brigand]

Bloody hilarious Tony, But I wouldn't have waited four stops

[Monkey Man]

I don't see no dumb people, does I need wun o these??

MM

http://www.youtube.com/embed/z9pD_UK6vGU

[Brigand]

That is outstanding Tony. I have ranted for a very long time about how blissfully liberating it must be to be stupid. Shorter life span to be sure but if you're stupid you don't care.

[Carter]

WARNING TO OLDER MEN: SCAMS

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall, parking lots, etc. But this warning Is for us older men, and I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, or even Wal-Mart. Last month I became a victim of a clever scam while shopping. Simply going to get supplies turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.
Here's how the scam works:
Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come up to your vehicle as you are putting away your purchases.
They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No'
But instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.
You agree and they climb in the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen June 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also July 1st & 4th,
Twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th & 27th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.
Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.
Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 pounds just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Home Depot.
So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam.

(BTW The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

[T. Highway]

Good one Carter

Bert

[Brigand]

That's grand Carter, I'll have to look into that

Here's another story.

Two men were standing outside a pub talking, well to be fair they were gossiping like a couple of old maids.
“Have you seen our lad Seamus stepping out with Maggie McBride?” Says Tommy.
“I’ve not seen them but I heard they were keeping company” replied Michael
"And aren’t they a pair" grinned Tommy, "with him being nine stone soaking wet and her twice that and more."
“That explains some of the strange knots and bruises he’s been wearing of late “says Michael, "but he’s a wiry lad and I suppose he can hold his own."
"Well" says Tommy, “On Tuesday last I was with me wife at the Scarlet Rose” (the nice place across from Kelley’s leather works. The one with napkins and linen table cloths and such) “Well there we was sitting at the table when who should walk in but himself and Maggie, so the fella a the door shows them a table not far from me own and asks them what he could get them from the bar. In a loud clear voice Seamus says “A pint of Guinness and three fingers of Bushmills” but then he leaned forward and said in a much softer tone “and I’ll have the tea”.

[Master Yota]

What do you call a gluten free, sugar free, vegetarian Brownie?



Compost....

[Brigand]

Daemon O’Rourke was a wealthy man; he had built a Dublin drayage firm from scratch starting with one old and sickly mule. He was a small man; seven and a half stone soaking wet but not frail. After fifty years of hard work he had lost his taste for it. The mules and horses were all gone now; it was all Lorries. He missed the smell of leather and straw and even the road apples. So he up and sold his company to a competitor and bought a grand house on the Irish coast on a cliff overlooking the ocean.
One blustery evening, while out for his usual walk before going to bed. He ventures a little too close to the cliff's edge, loses his footing and falls over the brink.
Fortunately, he is able to grasp a very slender sapling that is growing out of the cliff, which stops his fall. O’Rourke hangs there for a few moments, terribly shaken. Eventually he calls out, "Is there anybody there?"
At once a great voice seems to fill the whole of the firmament. It resonates out of the clouds, the sea and out of the cliff itself. It says in measured tones, "There is always someone up here, my son. All that you need to do is release your hold upon that small tree and you will descend safely to the shore below."
The old gentleman considers this for a moment and takes a look down at the jagged rocks 200ft below him. Then he looks up again and says, "Is there anybody else up there?"

[Monkey Man]

MM visits his doctor with celery stalks stuck in each ear and a carrot stick up each nostril.
He mumbles, "Doc, I'm just not feeling well."
The doctor replies, "Maybe you're not eating right."

MM

[Monkey Man]

The Male Cycle finally explained.....


(1) When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

(2) When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

(3) In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

(4) When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.

(5) When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

(6) When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.



MM