Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[Brigand]

The Navvy’s lament.

To understand this bit of humour one must first know what a Navvy is. A Navvy is an Irish laborer, the term dates from the late eighteenth century. Irish labour built the canals ( Navigations) of England and most of the civil projects of Christopher Wren and his like. The practice continued through both world wars and on up into the late twentieth century.
The Navvy’s lament was a working song sung by navvy’s on a building site. No one really knows who wrote it but it dates from the late nineteenth century.
I first heard it as a recitation by Irish comedian Dave Allen in the 1960’s.

Dear Boss I write this note to you, to tell you of my plight
And at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue and my face a deathly gray
So I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today

I was working on the fourteenth floor, some bricks I had to clear
And to throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
Now me foreman wasn’t very keen him being an awful sod
And he said I’d have to carry them down the ladder in my hod

Now shifting all those bricks by hand did seem so awfully slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me

So when I went down and cut the rope well the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket and to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down

Now the barrel broke my shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I struck the pulley with my head
I still clung on though numbed with shock from this almighty blow
Whilst the barrel spilled out half the bricks fourteen floors below

The barrel being lighter now once more began to rise
And when I met it half way up it blackened both my eyes
Still clinging tightly to the rope I headed for the ground
Where I fell upon the broken bricks that were all scattered ‘round

As I lay there moaning on the ground I thought I’d passed the worst
When the barrel struck the pulley wheel and the bottom it did burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me I hadn’t got a hope
Then as I was losing consciousness I let go the bloody rope

Now the barrel being heavier it started down once more
And it landed right across me as I lay there on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm and I can only say
That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today

[Brigand]

Michael was a molecatcher, He was by all accounts an extraordinary molecatcher and in great demand.
This caused him to spend long hours away from his lovely and fulsome young wife. Quite vexed she was by this and after a few months, she struck up a friendship with a young handsome farmer. This led of course, to where one would expect.
The two carried on undiscovered for many months until one day feeling quite ill, Michael returned home early to find them in bed.
Michael had a truncheon that he used for ending moles, but instead of dispatching them both he decided on another punishment.
He had spied the farmers trousers draped over a chair, seizing the trousers he drew out the prosperous young farmer’s wallet.
Michael told the farmer “I’ll teach you to plow my fields” and he withdrew four five pound notes from the wallet. Twenty pounds being a chiefly sum in those days Michael expected the farmer to be distressed at the loss.
But the farmer spoke as he donned his trousers “Twenty pounds, I can’t really object to that; and it only works out to tuppence a go.”
“And I wouldn’t be here if your plow was any use.”

[Monkey Man]

That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today

Ah - Get up Paddy, yer not hurt!!

MM

[Paddyofurniture]

Sounds like it hurt to me.

[Monkey Man]

Yet Another Joke Stolen from elsewhere....
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet
and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away.

'That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her into the back yard!'

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[Monkey Man]

Another one....

Seen on a t-shirt: I just read an article about the dangers of drinking....Scared the shit out of me! So that's it! After today....no more reading!

[Brigand]

The old jokes are always the best aren't they Tony?

[Monkey Man]

I guess Jokes are like folks Bob, we all improve with age...????

MM

[Brigand]

Okay guys, I have to warn you. This is a terrible joke, at least in the sense that the subject matter is well, downright icky. Although it is devoid of profanity it can be a bit much for some folks.
I warn those with a weak constitution to give it a pass.
Tony, If you think this goes beyond the pale by all means delete it.

Billy was little more than a town drunk these days, although in his prime he was known as Golden Billy a successful riverboat gambler who headed west and met up with a few disappointments in the form of the frilly petticoat variety. His long decline had finally found him pushing a broom and begging for drinks and meals at a run down saloon, the Silver Belle.
One evening an extremely boisterous crowd was holding forth at the Belle. Billy was working the crowd for all he was worth and had already amassed enough charity to stand him for a week. Just as Billy was about to retreat to his shack, one of the revelers recognized him.
“Say pardner” he called with a sneer “Didn’t you used to be Golden Billy the hotshot gambler?” Billy sighed “Yes, I was once called by that name. But now it’s just Billy.”
“Well Mr. Golden Billy, I got a bet for you.” Sadly word had spread about Billy’s inability to pass up a bet no matter how bizarre; it was partly responsible for his present circumstances. “What’s the bet?” asked Billy.
“I got five Double Eagles here that say you can’t drink the contents of that there spittoon at your feet there” Now Billy had fallen a long way since his glory days of fine wine, women, food and cigars. Not to mention his handmade suits and shoes. He wondered if he had fallen far enough to do this. Finally he spoke. “Yer on stranger, hand them eagles to the barkeep and you’ve got a bet”.
The whole of the crowd gathered round to watch the spectacle. Billy had picked up the spittoon and placed it in the middle of a table in the center of the room. Already he looked a bit green around the gills. The crowd hushed as Billy seized the spittoon and raised it to his lips. They couldn’t believe their eyes when Billy tipped it up and began drinking it down. He began gulping and gasping but he didn’t lower the spittoon. Very soon the crowd began to turn away with the dry heaves and slowly they filtered out of the saloon to the sound of Billy’s gulp,gulp,gulping.
After a couple minutes the bar was deserted except for Billy, the Barkeep and the stranger.
After another minute the stranger cried out “Alright alright! You win the bet, I can’t stand any more. But Billy kept gulping away, for another full minute he gulped and gurgled and finally set down the spittoon. Wiping his face he told the barkeep “I’ll take my money now if you don’t mind.” The barkeep was pale as a lily and handed the five gold coins over without a word.
“I don’t understand it the stranger cried, Why did you keep drinking when I conceded the bet? I have to know! Why did you keep drinking?”
Billy picked up the five coins and thrust them in his pocket, He turned to the stranger and said

“I had to, It was all one piece.”

[Monkey Man]

QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME!

If you have sex with a prostitute against her will, is it considered rape or shoplifting?


Can you cry under water?


How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?


Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?



Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?


Why does a round pizza come in a square box?


What disease did cured ham actually have?


How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours?


If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?



Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?


Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?


Why do doctors leave the room while you change?
They're going to see you naked anyway...


Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?


Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?


If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?



If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?


Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours?
They're both dogs!


If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?


If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?


If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?


Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?


Why did you just try singing the two songs above?


Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt?


Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Why, Why, Why


Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead?

Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?


Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'?

If people evolved from apes,
why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses
are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, 'It's all right?' Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That really hurt, why don't you watch where you're going?'

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE.........
The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons are suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

[w30bob]

Three hard working construction workers need a place to sleep....so they go into a cheap motel and ask the clerk behind the desk for a room. Clerk says the cheapest room is $30, so each of the workers pulls out a $10 bill and hands it to the guy behind the desk. As the clerk is putting the $30 in the cash register the owner of the motel happens to walk in and see these three hard working guys, looking all worn out from a hard day's work, so he walks up behind the clerk and tells him to cut these guys a break and give them the room for $25....and then walks into his office. To refund the $5 to these guys the clerk then takes 5 singles out of the register to give back....but get's confused as to how to split it up three ways. So he sticks $2 in his pocket and gives each worker $1 back.

So each worker ended up paying $9 ($10 minus the $1 back) for the room. Three workers times $9 equals $27. The clerk kept $2. $27 + $2 = $29. So where did the other dollar go?

regards,
bob

[Sal]

I hope you enjoy this.....

http://www.ridgid.com/summer/?utm_campa ... dgid-2.jpg

[Monkey Man]

Got a Problem Child?? - No Problem.....

Warning, little bit of bad taste in this one but all tongue in cheek stuff

MM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bxnzgV-F ... e=youtu.be

[Brigand]

Bloody hell! that's so funny. A handy answer for all the little ratbags in your life. I'll be chuckling about this for days.

[Monkey Man]

Bloody hell! that's so funny. A handy answer for all the little ratbags in your life. I'll be chuckling about this for days.

I think Ann just ordered in bulk to get the discount...........Problem is I suspect it may be for me

MM