An elderly man walks into a confessional.
The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old and have a wonderful wife of 70 years, three children, eight grandchildren, and so many great grandchildren I lose track, but yesterday I picked up two hitch-hiking college girls. We went to a motel where I had sex with both of them, twice!'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'You kidding? I'm 92 years old . . . . I'm telling everybody!'
A woman from Vancouver who was a tree hugger, an anti-hunter, anti pipeline environmentalist purchased a piece of timberland near Squamish, BC .
There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, and an anti-industry person and how she came to get all the splinters.
The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environment Canada, the Parks Service and the BC Department of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but due to the Provincial Medical cut backs they turned you down.
Try Dr. Suzuki......
MM (not my work, blatantly ripped off from elsewhere.....)
You may have heard on the news about a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.
By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable."
In Michigan, he'd be called "The last white guy still living in Detroit."
In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector."
In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."
In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food."
In Kansas, he'd be "A guy down the road you would want to have for a friend."
In Montana, he'd be called "The neighborhood 'Go-To' guy."
In Alabama, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate."
In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor."
In North Carolina, Virginia, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky and South Carolina he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."
And in Texas he'd just be "Bubba, who's a little short on ammo.”
The Sensuous Wife
"Have you ever seen a twenty dollar bill all crumpled up?" asked the wife.
"No," said her husband.
She gave him a sexy little smile, slowly reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.
"Have you ever seen a fifty all crumpled up?" she asked.
"Uh, no," he said.
She gave him another sexy little smile, seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.
"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 40,000 dollars all crumpled up?"
"No," he said, now really intrigued.
"Well...... go look in the garage..."
Carter
Life Member:
Delta, Peach Bottom Fish & Game Assn.
An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumour that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family."
No one moved. The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet.
Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.
The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.
An anonymous Member on the East Coast was sitting reading his manual trying to figure out how to fix the problem with his truck when his wife wound up, took a swing with it and rang the frying pan off his head.
'Oooww, What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied , 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your trouser pocket.’
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week , Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.'
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching the truck races on TV when his wife bashes him on the head with the three heat Crock Pot, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied. 'Your horse phoned’
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now."
"Yes, I remember him as a baby." says the other mother cheerfully.
"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides. "Oh, so sad dear..." says the other.
"And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have been 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr too..." says the mother quietly.
"Oh, gracious me..." says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He would have been 18", she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school..."
"He's a martyr also," says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching for the right words, says . . . "They blow up so fast, don't they?"
Man goes to a female dentist to have a tooth extracted. She pulled out a large syringe to give an anesthetic shot.
"No way, no needles! I hate needles!" the man exclaimed.
So she started to hook up the nitrous oxide tank, And the man said, "I can't do the gas thing just the thought of having a mask on my face suffocates me
The dentist then asked the patient If he had any objections to taking a pill.
"No," he says, "I'm fine with pills."
So the dentist gave him two little blue pills And he swallowed them.
"What are those?" he asked.
"Viagra," she replied.
"I'll be damned," Said the patient, "I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer."
"It doesn't," said the dentist, "But it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth."
Brigand storms into a local bar and demands, "Gimme a double of the strongest whiskey you got. I'm so mad, I can't even see straight. " The bartender, noticing he is a bit the worse for wear, pours him a double of Southern Comfort. He swills down the drink and says, "Gimme another one. "
The bartender pours the drink, but says, "Now, before I give you this, why don't you let off a little steam and tell me why you're so upset? "So, begins Brigand's tale.
"Well, I was sitting in the bar next door, when this gorgeous blonde slinks in and actually sits beside me at the bar. I thought, "Wow, this has never happened before. " You know, it was kind of a fantasy come true. Well, a couple of minutes later, the blonde leans over and asks if I'd like to come back to her hotel to have dinner and talk for a while. I couldn't believe this was happening, and I hadn't had a good meal in quite a while. I managed to nod my head yes, so she grabs my hand and starts walking out of the bar. This seemed just too good to be true. "He continued, "She took me down the street here to a nice hotel and up to her room. She said to relax, watch some TV, and that she would be ready to go down to the restaurant in a few minutes. But, as soon as I put my feet up and reclined my chair, I heard some keys jingling and someone starts fumbling with the door. "
"The blonde says, 'Oh my god, it's my boyfriend. He must have lost his wrestling match tonight, he's gonna be real mad. Quick, hide!'"
"So, I opened the closet, but I figured that was probably the first place he would look, so I didn't hide there. Then I looked under the bed, but no, I figured he's bound to look there, too. By now, I could hear the key in the lock. I noticed the window was open, so I climbed out and was hanging there by my fingers, praying that the guy wouldn't see me. "The bartender says "Well I can see how you might be a bit frustrated at this point. "
"Well, yeah, but I hear the guy finally get the door open and he yells out, 'Who you been with now, you witch?' The girl says, 'Nobody, honey, now calm down.'"Well, the guy starts tearing up the room. I hear him tear the door off the closet and throw it across the room. I'm thinking, 'Boy, I'm glad I didn't hide in there.' Then I hear him lift up the bed and throw it across the room. Good thing I didn't hide under there either. Then I heard him say, 'What's that over there by the window?' I think, 'Oh God, I'm dead meat now.'
But, the blonde by now is trying real hard to distract him and convince him to stop looking. Well, I hear the guy go into the bathroom and I hear water running for a long time; I figure maybe he's gonna take a bath or something, when all of a sudden, the jerk pours a pitcher of scalding hot water out of the window right on top of my head. I mean, look at this, I got second degree burns all over my scalp and shoulders! "The bartender says, "Oh man, that would have gotten me mad for sure. " "No, that didn't really bother me. Next, the guy starts slamming the window shut over and over on my hands. I mean, look at my fingers. They're a bloody mess. I can hardly hold onto this glass. "The bartender looks at the guy's hands and says, "Yeah, buddy, I can understand why you are so upset. "
"No, that wasn't what really got me so angry though. "The bartender then asks in exasperation, "Well, then, what did finally make you anger? "
"Well, I was hanging on the window, and I turned around and looked down--I was only about six inches off the ground. “
Funny as hell Tony, keep them coming. And now my lad, here's one tailor made for you
Long before our friend the Monkster met his lovely wife he had a dalliance with another young lass. It got quite serious and ultimately they were betrothed. Upon their wedding night, when they had finally settled in to their Honeymoon cabin and the light from the single candle had been snuffed out, there came the sounds of a major row with a great deal of yelling and roaring and recrimination. Finally when she could stand no more, the young bride bolted out the door of the cabin in her nightgown and ran all the way back to her mother.
It didn’t take long for his folks to get the news and Tony’s Mum sent his old man up to the cabin to find out what the bother was.
Somewhat peeved at being roused from his rest to deal with such nonsense and having been celebrating late into the evening he was in a fairly dark humour. And so of course he began to raise hell with our young hero. But Tony protested that he had an excellent reason to send her packing. “What in bloody hell would justify that sort of behaviour” the old man asked.
Tony began to tell him what had happened. He said”We started getting all cuddly and close and the like and things took their natural course, and just when I was about to pin the tail on the proverbial donkey” she said “Be gentle darling you’re my first”.
“Stone the bloody crows lad! I’m sorry I misjudged you, his old man shouted. If she ain’t good enough for her own bloody family, she bleedin’ well ain’t good enough for ours”!
The marriage was of course annulled.
I have avoided bringing up this topic because Tasmanians as well as West Virginians tend to be a bit sensitive about it. However, Tony my lad will twist the Tiger’s tail, hence the foregoing.
Brigand aka Bob Thompson
I would never join any club that would have me as a member.
Not Bad Bob.....I'll stop picking on You....for now.......
Camilla bought new shoes for her wedding and the shoes got increasingly tight as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, darling. Please remove my shoes, my feet are killing me!"
Her ever obedient Prince tugged on her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge. "Harder!" urged Camilla. "Harder!" Charles replied, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so bloody tight!" "Come on then! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed, "Oh, God, that feels so good!"
In their bedroom next door, Elizabeth said to Phillip, "See? I told you that, with a face like that, she was still a virgin!"
Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Good Lord, darling! This one's even tighter!"
At which Phillip turned to Elizabeth and said,
"That's my boy. Once a Navy man...... always a Navy man!"
An older Scottish gentleman sat in a south London café waiting to be served. It was a beautiful spring day, in that the morning rain had given way to a brilliant blue sky and birdsong filled Etham green and made him think of his boyhood home in Aberdeen. His reverie was broken by the lilt of a young woman’s voice speaking with a Scottish brogue that he well knew. She inquired what he would be ordering with his tea and once the customary exchange between waitress and patron were done he asked her pardon. “You’re an Aberdeen girl aren’t you” he asked, ‘Oh aye” she replied, “Though it’s been a few years since I left home.” “How did you know” she asked. “Well” said the old man, “you certainly do roll your R’s .” The girl giggled a bit “That’s true” she said “But only when I wear high heels.”
Brigand aka Bob Thompson
I would never join any club that would have me as a member.
Home 
