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I'll start a Jokes thread, please only post jokes of good character, nasty ones will be deleted...
Being that I am a failed Catholic I'll start it off......

The Pencil...

The value of a Catholic education and a pencil. You don't even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Margaret Mary was not the best student in Catholic school. Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.

'Tell me Margaret Mary, who created the universe?'

When Margaret Mary didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

'God Almighty!' shouted Margaret Mary.

The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Margaret Mary, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'

But Margaret Mary didn't stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Margaret Mary in the butt with the pencil.

'Jesus Christ!' shouted Margaret Mary and the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.

This time Margaret Mary jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that bloody thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'

The Nun fainted.



Best Regards - MM

That is a good one!

Paddy

PS Yes I am Catholic.

Here is one of my favorites, modified to fit the venue!
A vacationing penguin is driving his M37 through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure gauge is reading low. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the back of the engine. He drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station.

After dropping the truck off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands he makes a real mess trying to eat with his flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "It looks like you blew a seal."

"No no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."

Blew a Seal LOL.... George Burns sprung to mind when I read that one!!
I got this one in the E-Mail today.....

The Facecloth

This has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won't crack up over this!

I was due for a smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed
everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am . The
trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'

I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard...

She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor ever!!


Regards - MM

Whoa.......... MM, are you on duty or what? The glitter was over the top Buddy.

Over the top bad??????
I can delete it if need be, I do forget that my sense of humour runs a bit offbeat for most folks....

Best Regards - MM

My daughter brought the "glitter" joke home from school one day. She couldn't stop giggling as she told it to her mom and me. Oh...she was 13 years old at the time.

Now, here's another one for you "failed Catholics:"

Seamus O'Malley sought out his parish priest one day with a problem.

"Father," says he, "Me poor doggie has died. As ye'll be knowin', she was me best mate, an' I'll be wantin' to do the best I can for the poor lass. Would ye be doin' a funeral mass for her?"

"Seamus, me lad," said the good Father, "Ye know that animals don't be havin' souls. I can't be doin' a mass for your doggie, as it wouldn't be proper. I'll tell ye what, though. There's an Anglican church just down the road a bit. Perhaps the Vicar over there could do a service for ye in exchange for a small donation."

"A small donation? Would a hunnert pounds be enough?" asked Seamus.

"Sweet Mary, Mother of Jay-zuz!" yelped the priest. "Why weren't ye tellin' me the poor doggie's Catholic?"

It was great, pls don't delete it!

Does anyone know how many Lawyers jokes there are?

Only one, the rest are true stories.

Paddy

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now but our computer's down. You will have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests.
So what'll it be?"
The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains ."
"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week "count" St. Peter?"
"No I told you the computer's down, and there's no way we can keep track of what you are doing."
"In that case," says the second priest, I've always wanted to be a stud."
"So be it" says St. Peter and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by and the computer is fixed. The Lord reminds St. Peter to recall the two priests.
"Will you have any trouble locating them?" he asks.
"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter, "he's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."
"Why" asks the Lord
"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan "

After 30 years I think I'm at the club and spade part

Master Yota wrote:"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in Saskatchewan "

BAHAHAHAHA!!!!! AWSOME!!!

A MONK HAS GOTTEN OUT OF IS MONASTERY AND VISITED THE NEARBY TOWN TO GET HIS FEW NEEDED SUPPLIES. HE STOPPED AT AN OUTDOOR CAFE TO GET A COFFEE, AND ENJOY THE BEAUTIFUL DAY. THIS WOMAN SITS ON THE NEXT TABLE, AND AFTER A WHILE SHE ASKED "ARE YOU A REAL MONK?" SO HE REPLIED "WELL, I LIVE IN A MONASTERY, I PRAY ALL DAY, AND LIVE LIKE A MONK, SO I GUESS I AM A REAL MONK. WHAT ARE YOU?" "OH, I AM A LESBIAN" THE WOMAN REPLIED. "A LESBIAN? WHAT IS THAT?" SAID THE MONK. "SEE, I LIKE WOMEN I THINK OF WOMEN ALL DAY, AND I THINK OF WOMEN AT NIGHT TOO" SHE SAID. THE MONK FELL IN DEEP THOUGHT. THE TIME PASSED, THE WOMAN LEFT, AND A COUPLE TOOK HER PLACE IN THAT TABLE. SURE ENOUGH, "ARE YOU A REAL MONK?" THEY ALSO ASKED. AND THE MONK REPLIED, "WELL SO I THOUGHT UP UNTIL AN HOUR AGO, BUT NOW I THINK I AM ACTUALLY A LESBIAN"...

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector', says the Coroner.

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky.. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'..

I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather not screaming like everyone else in the car.

Paddy

Why do chicken coops have two doors?

If they had 4 doors, they'd be a chicken sedan.