g741.org

Received this in an Email from my buddy Ralph.

TOOLS EXPLAINED :

DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, shit"!

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire.
Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT Or SLOT TIPPED SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you
needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used
as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the
object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records,liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber orplastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.

SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling
"Son of a bitch" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next
tool that you will need

Never was a more correct definition of tools posted?????

Regards - MM

scary...very scary...lol. that seems to be how my tools are used exactly.

Its nice to see that some things are the same the world over...

you forgot a few:

SKILL SAW (alternate):

Calld that, because no matter how much skill you have with the tool, it is never enough to get the results you want.

LATHE:

A precision crafted, 2 ton object used for crafting cylindrical shaped pieces of metal. Also used to sling a 2 lb T shaped key directly at your face, or the large, expensive window behind you. This is due because the owner removed the spring ejector, thinking to himself "what kind of an idiot would leave this thing in the..."

SCREW EXTRACTOR:

A tool commonly mislabeled. Would more accurately be described as a "Screw hole plug" as the device is precision crafted to fit inside the depression made by a fastener that has recently reached it's yield point under the surface of the expensive casting you were trying to remove it from. The device then snaps off cleanly with the surface of the casting, transforming it from an extractor, to a plug, as it is 10X harder than any drill bit currently known to man.

SAWZALL:

A device used to transfer the intense vibration of reciprocating motion into the walls of your garage. Used to shake cans of safety yellow paint off the shelf, and fall into pointed scrap bits. At this point, pure physics takes over, and evenly distributes the paint all over you, the sawzall, teh workbench, the window, and, your brand new welder, and your friends dirt bike. (this one actually happened to me... )

ANGLE GRINDER:

A device used to remove excess metal from a workpiece by transforming it into a shower of red hot metal sparks. Also useful for igniting the ATF fluid on your coat. (this one also happened to me.)

SCREW or SCISSOR JACK:

A device designed by perfectioninsts, under the supervision of accountants. The pefectioninsts assumed the world is flat, and the accountants assumed that it would function properly with 1/2 the footing area the perfectioninsts specified, because it would save 1.4 cents per jack. Specified to lift heavy loads. Its effectveness is directly proportional to X: the flatness of the surface being jacked on, in an inverse coefficient, and Y: the weight of the object.

Think of it like this: T(time effective)=X times Y.

As the weight of the object goes up, the critical nature of the flatness becomes more apparent. A heavy object is less likely to stay on the jack than a light one. Dont believe me? Test my theory: Put 2 lbs on the jack... it will stay there for forever! now, put your car on top of it, as it was "designed" for. The time your car will stay on it is substantially lower, usually only long enough for you to take the flat tire off, but not long enough for you to get the spare back on. As an added design feature, the foot is the strongest portion of the jack, and will punch holes in high strength steel, the kind used ot make rocker panels. A second design feature to prevent you from overloading the jack a second time, is for the rest of it(besides the foot) to crumple like paper when your car slips off of it, effctively disabling it from being used again... did I mention teh spare wasn't on the hub yet?

Josh wrote:you forgot a few:

SKILL SAW (alternate):

Calld that, because no matter how much skill you have with the tool, it is never enough to get the results you want.

LATHE:

A precision crafted, 2 ton object used for crafting cylindrical shaped pieces of metal. Also used to sling a 2 lb T shaped key directly at your face, or the large, expensive window behind you. This is due because the owner removed the spring ejector, thinking to himself "what kind of an idiot would leave this thing in the..."

SCREW EXTRACTOR:

A tool commonly mislabeled. Would more accurately be described as a "Screw hole plug" as the device is precision crafted to fit inside the depression made by a fastener that has recently reached it's yield point under the surface of the expensive casting you were trying to remove it from. The device then snaps off cleanly with the surface of the casting, transforming it from an extractor, to a plug, as it is 10X harder than any drill bit currently known to man.

SAWZALL:

A device used to transfer the intense vibration of reciprocating motion into the walls of your garage. Used to shake cans of safety yellow paint off the shelf, and fall into pointed scrap bits. At this point, pure physics takes over, and evenly distributes the paint all over you, the sawzall, teh workbench, the window, and, your brand new welder, and your friends dirt bike. (this one actually happened to me... )

ANGLE GRINDER:

A device used to remove excess metal from a workpiece by transforming it into a shower of red hot metal sparks. Also useful for igniting the ATF fluid on your coat. (this one also happened to me.)

SCREW or SCISSOR JACK:

A device designed by perfectioninsts, under the supervision of accountants. The pefectioninsts assumed the world is flat, and the accountants assumed that it would function properly with 1/2 the footing area the perfectioninsts specified, because it would save 1.4 cents per jack. Specified to lift heavy loads. Its effectveness is directly proportional to X: the flatness of the surface being jacked on, in an inverse coefficient, and Y: the weight of the object.

Think of it like this: T(time effective)=X times Y.

As the weight of the object goes up, the critical nature of the flatness becomes more apparent. A heavy object is less likely to stay on the jack than a light one. Dont believe me? Test my theory: Put 2 lbs on the jack... it will stay there for forever! now, put your car on top of it, as it was "designed" for. The time your car will stay on it is substantially lower, usually only long enough for you to take the flat tire off, but not long enough for you to get the spare back on. As an added design feature, the foot is the strongest portion of the jack, and will punch holes in high strength steel, the kind used ot make rocker panels. A second design feature to prevent you from overloading the jack a second time, is for the rest of it(besides the foot) to crumple like paper when your car slips off of it, effctively disabling it from being used again... did I mention teh spare wasn't on the hub yet?

All to funny, lmao so much I had tears in my eyes , But all to true!

BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! SCARY HOW MOST OF US HAVE WITNESSED MANY OF THE ABOVE LOL