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Carter wrote:Sam Elliot's take on slow response! (Borrowed from G503)

While hiking down along the border this morning, I saw a Muslim extremist fall into the Rio Grande River. He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the guns and bombs he was carrying. Along with him was a Mexican who was also struggling to stay afloat because of the large backpack of drugs that was strapped to his back. If they didn't get help, they'd surely drown. Being a responsible Texan and abiding by the law to help those in distress, I informed the El Paso County Sheriff 's Office and Homeland Security. It is now 4 PM, both have drowned, and neither authority has responded. I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.

ROFLMAO...
What's the address, I'll replace your 2 stamps

MM

Did you guys hear about the lousy Zoo? It only had one animal. It was a small dog.
It was a shih tzu.
Tim

Our old friend Seamus won a raffle. The prize was a brand new pair of shoes, a fine and sturdy pair of brogans. And it was fine care that Seamus took in breaking the new pair in. Sure and didn’t he decide to take his old pair to the Old man Reilly the cobbler for fresh heels and soles.
But, as we all know life gets the best of our plans and after a pint here and a wake there Seamus eventually forgot all about the shoes, the cobbler and a fair number of the commandments into the bargain.

One day as Seamus was cleaning out his desk drawers (mostly because herself wouldn’t give him a moments peace til’ he did) he happened upon the ticket from the cobblers. “Jayzus Mary and Joseph!” Cried Seamus, It’s been on to five years since I put them shoes in.

Seamus, after completing his chore showed the ticket to his wife and wondered if she thought the shoes might still be there. Naturally and according to her temperament she gave him an ear full. “Ya daft old bugger” she shrieked. “Why in the world should the cobbler have kept your old shoes for five years or better. Likely they were sold four years back.” Still said Seamus (ever tight with a penny) It’ll do no harm to find out.

The very next day he made his way across town to the cobblers shop. Sure and wasn’t it still standing in the very same spot. Seamus gathered his courage and went in. Behind the counter sat Old man Reilly. Seamus and the proprietor greeted each other and Seamus got right to business, he fished the ticket out of his vest pocket and handed it over. Reilly squinted at the ticket and then at Seamus and without so much as a word he vanished into the back of the shop. A full ten minutes passed and Reilly appeared back behind the counter. Reilly locked eyes with Seamus and said “They’ll be ready Tuesday.”

I like it!

A Nigel (1) walks into a gentleman’s club (2) in Islington and finds that it's quite crowded. No room at the bar and after scanning the room he sees one man sitting at a table alone. The man looks uncommonly familiar to him so he walks over and asks if the other seat is available. The man, an American nods and then invites him to sit. Our Nigel orders a nice single malt from the waiter and the same for the Yank. The two gentlemen introduce themselves and begin to chat; they find they have similar tastes in automobiles, architecture and literature. One asks the other about sport such as American football (3) or Premiere league Soccer (4) which they both eschew in favor of horse racing and shooting (5) .
As the evening wears on they find they have a great deal in common, favorite wine, brand of whiskey, cut of beef and even their views on religion (6) align with the others. They were in fact, two peas in the proverbial pod.
As the evening came to an end the both professed their good fortune in finding such good company. Once they had collected their coats and were waiting for their respective cars to be brought around, the Nigel turned to the Yank and asked “You don’t by any chance happen to be gay do you?” The yank replied in an unruffled manner that he was not in fact gay, “Nor am I” Nigel said as his motor approached “Pity isn’t it.” (7)


1 A typical English middleclass businessman.
2 An establishment where Nigels gather after a hard day’s savaging of the accounts ledger and British business law.
3An athletic contest played by 300lb. sissies dressed head to toe in padding, who will stop what they’re doing if the little git in the striped shirt drops his hankie and blows his whistle. The object of the game appears to be incremental movements of the ball designed to fill two or more hours of television time and to secure lucrative endorsement contracts for the grossly overpaid players.
4 An athletic contest played exclusively by various South American, African and eastern European ringers. The object of the game appears to be to sell beer and incite the spectators to violence. The point of the game is,... well really there is no point is there?
5 Generally not performed at the same time. Although it would make them more interesting to a wider audience.
6 Something for married couples and friends to argue about.
7 Shaggy dog story; a story which at the outset appears to be interesting and humorous and builds anticipation of a great punch line, and then fails to do so in any discernable way.

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yes', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

...................................................................................................


Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears.
Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember… over-use of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband.

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Outstanding! love them both.

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are two theories to arguing with a woman. Neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back into
your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men: The ones
that learn by reading. The few who learn by observation. The

rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out
for
themselves.

9. Good judgment comes from experience,
and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd,
take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still
there.

11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a
whole lot easier'n puttin' it back.

12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain
lion felt so good he started roaring.
He kept it up until a hunter came along
and shot him.
The moral: When you're full of bull, keep your
mouth shut.


ABOUT GROWING OLDER..


First ~Eventually you will reach a point when
you stop lying about your age and start bragging about
it. 

Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem
worth waiting in line for.

Third ~ Some people try to turn back their
odometers. Not me; I want people to know 'why' I look this
way.
I've traveled a long way, and some of
the roads weren't paved. 

Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would
like to go back to youth, think of Algebra. 

Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when
everything either dries up or leaks.

Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill
without getting to the top. 

Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you
about aging is that it's such a nice change from being
young. 

Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how
splendid the day has been. 

Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old
is comfortable. 

Tenth
~ Long ago, when men
cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called
witchcraft.
Today it's called
golf. 

And, finally
~ If you don't learn
to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at
when
you're
old.

Great, althoughI would add "Never pass up a chance to pee." That was a bit of wisdom I received from my father. It didn't really make sense until I was about Fourty.

Brigand wrote:Great, althoughI would add "Never pass up a chance to pee. That was a bit of wisdom I received from my father. It didn't really make sense until I was about Fourty.

Agreed!

I’ve posted a fair number of Irish jokes here. Here’s one from Yorkshire.

Old Baisby was a fixture in the village; his family had been there for generations. When finally none of his children were interested in farming as a career he sold up and moved to a small cottage on near the end of the village lane. His only companion since the death of his wife had been an old spaniel. Every evening the village could set their watches by Old Baisby and Taffy making their way to the pub at the far end of the village. One day the villagers were shocked to see old Baisby making the trek without Taffy. One woman ventured forth and asked ”what’s become of Taffy this evening?” Old Baisby paused and removed his cap and stoically he said “I’ve had to put the old girl down” The woman dabbed at her eye with her apron and asked “was she mad?” Old Baisby put his cap on and snarled “Well, She waren’t best pleased I can tell you”.

Three traveling salesmen are out in the country and need a place to stay for the night. They see a big farmhouse that looks inviting, so they walk up to the front door and knock. Farmer answers the door and they explain their situation, and the farmer not wanting to turn them away says they can stay the night. But the farmer warns them that he has a beautiful daughter and she's off limits. If any of them mess with her there will be hell to pay. So you know what happens. The next morning the three salesmen come down to breakfast only to find the farmer with a mean look on his face and a loaded shotgun in his hands. Farmers tell the salesmen he warned them about his daughter.......and now there's hell to pay. He tells them to each go out in the fields and pick 100 of their favorite fruit and bring them back to the house. About 10 minutes goes by and the first salesman comes back with a basket of 100 strawberries. Farmer looks him right in the eye and tells him to shove them up his ass. Salesman just laughs......until the farmer puts the shotgun barrel right between his eyes and says shove 'em. Salesman's shoving.......gets to 97....98...99....100. Farmer says hit the road and don't ever come back. Second salesmen comes back from the field with 100 apples. Same deal....farmer makes him shove 'em. He gets to 97....98...99....and WHAM!....he starts laughing and they all come shooting out. Farmer, with the help of his shotgun says try again........so the salesman tries again........97.....98....99.....and WHAM!.....he starts laughing and they all come shooting out. Farmer says to the salesman.....what the hell is so funny??? Salesman says......Pete's out there picking watermelons!!!

regards,
bob

The Cobbler’s Cup is a pub in Belfast and into that pub pub limps Michael O’Malley, looking like he'd just lost an argument with a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, battered and bruised and both his eyes blacked.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little shite, O'Conner," says Sean, "You’ve a good six stone on him, He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a right terrible
beatin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you
have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and ‘tis a thing of
beauty it to be sure, but worse than useless in a fight."

Bob,

You have me a little concerned now.

Bert