Laughter is the Best Medicine.....

[DAP]

Yes that is the point you have to look carefully to see it is a 0 not an O. Subtle jokes that make me think and then ROFL are ones I like best. SO in that vein how about . . . .

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

[DAP]

By the way Brigand I find it is hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs… because they always take things literally. What is your experience?

[Master Yota]

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.



He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.

[Master Yota]

Knock, Knock...
Who's there?
I eat mop...
I eat mop who...?



My 5 year old came home from Kindergarten with that one...

[Brigand]

I hope this isn't a repeat;

A man walked into the drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.

The woman he talked to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and

her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.



She then asked if she could help him. He said that it was something that he

would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.



The lady pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional and

whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she

would treat him with a high level of professionalism.



So, he reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to

discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours. It

causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what

you could give me for it."



The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."



When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the

absolute best we can do".



. . .. 1/3 ownership in the store,

. . .. A company pickup truck,

. . .. A king size bed and

. . .. $3,000 a month in living expenses.

[Brigand]

An older Scottish gentleman sat in a south London café waiting to be served. It was a beautiful spring day, in that the morning rain had given way to a brilliant blue sky and birdsong filled Etham green and made him think of his boyhood home in Aberdeen. His reverie was broken by the lilt of a young woman’s voice speaking with a Scottish brogue that he well knew. She inquired what he would be ordering with his tea and once the customary exchange between waitress and patron were done he asked her pardon. “You’re an Aberdeen girl aren’t you” he asked, ‘Oh aye” she replied, “Though it’s been a few years since I left home.” “How did you know” she asked. “Well” said the old man, “you certainly do roll your R’s .” The girl giggled a bit “That’s true” she said “But only when I wear high heels.”

[Brigand]

Heard in a Pub.

What's the difference between BSE and PMS?
One is mad cow disease and the other has to do with cattle.

[Brigand]

George had an appointment in Cambridge on war business. He had received an extra fuel ration card and pass in the post, and so he left his home in Newmarket with plenty of time to spare. Since was ahead of schedule he decided to leave the main road behind and take a more scenic route through Fulbourn. As he drove along the Cambridge road the old Humber wheezed contentedly until just before the circle a sharp report told him he had gotten the last trip out of one of his tyres. Pulling into a narrow clearing at the roadside he surveyed the damage and found the left rear had given its all. Grumbling a bit he unpacked the boot to get the jack and spanner. The spare was in good shape and he set to work making the change. About the time he had the tyre clear of the hub he heard a rumbling; he turned and saw a convoy of American vehicles rumbling towards him. As the road was a bit narrow he decided he would wait on the other side of the car in front of the huge wrought iron fence. The fence as it happens surrounded the Fulbourn asylum, and one of its patients had come to the fence drawn by the clatter and roar. George bade him good morning but the man didn’t respond. About that time one of the motorcycles struck the hub cap holding the lug bolts for George’s wheel, by the time the convoy had passed they were nowhere to be found. “Bloody Hell” shouted George, “now what am I meant to do?” “I know” came a voice beyond the fence; “you’ll want to take one lug from each of the other wheels” it said. “That way you can make it to the garage in Cambridge” it continued. The voice it turned out, belonged to the mental patient George had spoken to earlier.
“How in Bloody Hell did you think of that, it’s brilliant” exclaimed George still feeling a bit of pique.
“Look mate" the patient said, "I’m in here for being crazy not stupid.”

[Monkey Man]

Positive Attitude


Late in the night Brigand regained consciousness. He found himself in agonizing pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.

She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"


THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

MM

[Brigand]

Ha! Sounds like me right enough.

[Brigand]

Today a friend asked if I would be watching the game Sunday. I told him I wouldn't as I had a plumbing project that would likely take most of the week end. He protested that that I'd be missing a great game. I told him I don't care for American football because it's a sissy game, I went on to inform him that I'd rather watch Australian Rules Football any day. He asked me what ARFB was and I explained that it's kind like Rugby, Soccer and a well organized street fight all rolled into one or a bit like Hockey without the ice. I told him I had played a bit during my youth and it was explained to me as follows. The only real Australian on the team said, "The guys in the stripey shirts are completely off limits, everything else is subject to interpretation." A fairly apt description back then. It's become overly civilized in the past few decades.

[Brigand]

What does an Electrical Engineer say when he meditates?..........OOOHHMM.

[DAP]

Watt? I was shocked to see that last one!

[Monkey Man]

A husband went to the sheriff's department to report that his wife was missing.
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home....
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck......

[m-37Bruce]

Your in trouble now MM!